Irrational Exuberance

Every Monday, my entire department spends half the day doing technology-related research. Each individual picks his or her own topic. It may or may not be directly related to work. The point is to broaden one's knowledge and keep up with new trends in the industry. The next day, we spend our lunch hour discussing what each of us researched.

While this might seem like a nice perk - one might even call it company sanctioned play time - I hate it. I can't do effective research unless there's a particular problem I need to solve or question I need to answer.

My problems and questions generally fall into two categories:
1.) issues directly related to a project I'm currently working on, in which case they are part of my normal workflow and do not require separate research time, and
2.) trivial questions that have nothing whatsoever to do with work, in which case it's really not kosher to spend work hours researching them.

Since I don't need extra time to address the first category, my afternoon research tends to drift into the second category more often than not. I try to keep it relevant to work, but I'm always just on the fringe, if not completely pushing the limit. I really struggle with what's acceptable.

Case in point:
Once again, I didn't start the afternoon with a specific topic in mind, so I went browsing through technology news to generate ideas. I came across an article about BlizzCon - Blizzard Convention - it's like ComicCon for gamers. Blizzard is the company that makes World of Warcraft, Diablo, Starcraft, and other game titles.

Like ComicCon, BlizzCon is a big deal that makes international news. In fact, I was reading BBC News when I spotted the article about it.

Apparently there was an official announcement at this year's BlizzCon about the next World of Warcraft expansion. It was merely a single line blip in the middle of a full page article, but it was enough that I nearly peed my pants with excitemen and proceeded to follow a dozen links to a variety of websites containing both fact and speculation on the details.

After several minutes, I had to get up and leave the group workspace because I couldn't stop uttering ooooh and ahhhh and omg, no way! while others were trying to concentrate.

Unable to sit still, I went into my coworker's office to bother him about it, thereby distracting him from his own research.

Then I went back to my office and continued reading.

Then I had a minor epiphany that led to the idea of a potential moral conflict.

I love WoW. I didn't know Blizzard was planning to release another expansion so soon, since they just released one last year, so this news came as a big surprise. It really excites me, so naturally I want to read more. But is this what our research time was intended for? Let's think about that for a moment...

Technology related? Yes.

Does it broaden my knowledge of technology in a meaningful way? One could argue that in either direction.

Will this knowledge enable me to do my job more effectively? Doubtful.

Do I care that this might be seen as an inappropriate use of my time? Kinda sorta but not really. I already think an entire afternoon of research is a poor use of time, so how is this any worse?

Will I be able to discuss it with my coworkers over lunch tomorrow? Yes, but not without turning red from embarrassment. That's where the "kinda sorta" comes in. Even though I think research time sucks, I still like to give the impression that I tried to follow the rules.

But in all honesty, my behavior is entirely predictable, and if someone had asked me how I would spend an afternoon each week, if given the freedom to research anything I wanted, I could have told them this is how it would be.

See, I just can't maintain focus during unstructured research time. My brain doesn't work like that.

When I research things on my own time, it always starts with a question about something that excites me. Something I'm burning to know. I analyze the crap out of it, follow links to related topics, and eventually, through a series of ADD-style leaps, I find myself looking at something completely different from where I started. It might be related, or it might be so far away that I'm not even sure how I got there.

In short, I get easily side-tracked.

It's very useful to me, I enjoy following odd paths. Sometimes I have questions that need answers, and to me, this is the most effective way to find them. The context I get by looking at related items is what makes the knowledge so meaningful.

But I can't always explain this to others. People usually don't get my need to know things. Or more accurately, they don't understand how I can casually surf my way to in-depth knowledge about something trivial, while being completely incapable of focusing my energy for one afternoon of research on a serious topic.

And I have to admit, it's a mystery to me too. I don't understand why my brain functions this way.

Everyone else seems to be able to pick a topic and stick with it through the entire 4 hours, and when we have lunch the next day, they can talk at length about what they studied. Some of them even start new side projects based on their research, and come to lunch prepared with code snippets and web pages to show off. Tangible evidence that they learned and that it's applicable to our work.

Not me. I always research the most random things, and my presentation at lunch is almost as scattered as my research. It rarely has anything to do with our work. My coworkers don't get it. It makes me feel a bit retarded that I don't function mentally the same way they do.

All it takes is one little article about BlizzCon to derail my focus toward several hours of tangential link clicking. ... And a non-work-related discussion with a coworker. ... And now this blog.

I am the master of distraction.

Or perhaps distraction is the master of me?

Hmm... that seems like the sort of thought an aspiring Zen master might ponder during an extended meditation.

Anyway... new WoW expansion. I'm stoked! I might actually defect to the Alliance just so I can play the new Worgen race. Werewolf people!

Yatta!!!

Imbalance

Last night as I was laying in bed, I realized that I'm becoming detached from my husband. I hear his voice on the phone all the time, but it's always muffled and broken. It's been 3 and a half months now since I saw him last. It's like he's not real, like I just dreampt that I met someone wonderful and married him... and then I woke up to a reality where he doesn't exist.

I miss hearing his voice right next to me, not to mention seeing his face clearly, touching him, feeling his warmth, listening to his heart beat and the sound of his breath... I could go on and on.

All the things I miss.

The thought of being detached made me sad. I don't want to lose his realness. He is real.

I clutched his sweater, still scented with his cologne, and buried my face in it before drifting off to sleep.

I didn't sleep well. I tossed and turned and had strange dreams.

I was trying to get a hold of Joey. He wasn't answering phone calls or text messages and I didn't know where he was. Hours later, he showed up with a group of guys, mostly his cousins. They were all drunk. It was the middle of the day, and I was mad. I've been worried about him all this time, and he's been out drinking?!

He wanted me to take him home because he was too drunk to drive. I was so irritated that I didn't even want to deal with him. I wanted to question him, yell at him, make him understand why I was upset. But he was too inebriated to pay attention to me in the way I wanted. He just wanted to go home.

He looked at me with so much love in his eyes - I could see it, even through the intoxication. I melted.

Yeah, I was pissed off, but he was mine and I loved him, no matter what.

I took him home and put him in bed, except... home was a single bed in some elderly lady's garage??? It was like a shelter... her garage had been all cleaned out, and filled with 4 clean single beds. The garage door was wide open, so it wasn't very warm. Was I homeless again? Why do I keep dreaming about Joey and I being homeless?

Anyway... I helped him up onto the single bed, and I wedged myself in next to him. No blankets, since we were both fully clothed with shoes on.

I wanted to talk, but he was sleepy. I was still frustrated, yet still doting over him. It didn't matter that we were in a stranger's garage and we were cold. It didn't matter that he was drunk, and I was pissed off at him. All that mattered was that he was there with me, I could put my arms around him, touch him, smell him, hear him. We were together, and there was such a strong love between us.

When I woke to my alarm, I was confused. I desperately wanted to go back to sleep, to my dream where Joey was laying next to me. But my phone alarm went off then, doubling up on my clock/radio, reminding me that I had an early appointment to keep.

Before I could reach the dresser to silence my phone, one of my cats climbed up and plopped down right on top of me, as if encouraging me to stay in bed and savor the memory of my husband. He was warm and his purr was soothing. I just layed there, both alarms sounding, still confused, trying to feel Joey beside me. But all I could feel was 11.5 pounds of purring fur-ball sprawled out over my chest and stomach.

I noticed then that I still clung to Joey's sweater - I had held onto it throughout the night - and it still smelled like him. When I finally pulled it away, and sluggishly got out of bed, I could still smell him on me. The cologne on the sweater had transferred onto my shirt. That's what used to happen after I had snuggled with him, when he was still home, when I could still kiss him goodbye before work. It gave me a false sense of his presence, like I could just get back in bed, and he would be there, and we would be together.

I hurried to get take the shirt off and get in the shower, partly because I was now running late, and partly to get rid of the misleading scent. As I washed, I visualized the last fragments of him running down the drain with the soapy water. I was detaching again.

No! I thought to myself. I don't want to be detached!

Somehow I have to find a balance. I don't know how to do it. When I think of Joey being near me, I get distracted and depressed. It's hard to deal with, especially at work. Yet, when I distance myself from him mentally, I lose him. He's still in my thoughts, but he's not whole. I'm not whole.

How can I keep him near me but still function without feeling sad all the time? How can I protect myself from depression without putting up the walls?

sigh.

I just wish he could come home.