Separation Anxiety

The wedding was fast. We exchanged vows in 5 minutes or less, then spent at least 30 minutes getting our picture taken. There were only 6 people in attendance, and at least 4 of them had cameras. It didn't feel like anybody was even watching or listening... just snapping shots for the photo album. I felt like I was on display. I guess it goes back to my fundamental feeling that a wedding is for the couple being married. It's not for anybody else. Plus, I just don't like being the center of attention. I still wish we had eloped and found two strangers to be our witnesses.

Nonetheless... it was nice. We picked out a spot in the park together, and now that's "our spot" forever. That makes me smile.

And I know I would have felt sad if my mom didn't see me get married, so I need to swallow my annoyance with the cameras and just be grateful that I have family members who love me and want to share in my moment. I am glad she was there, and I know it made her happy too.

Married life was short. We spent just two days together before Joe was whisked away for deployment. He's currently in Georgia. He's not allowed to use any electronics before 17:00, and lights out is at 22:00. That means he has a short window when he can make phone calls, and only when he doesn't have something else going on during that time. When he calls, he doesn't have any privacy. I always hear loud conversations in the background, and he frequently gets interrupted by people asking him questions or superiors informing him of recent decisions. This week he'll be out in the field for 6 days and I won't hear from him at all.

He's homesick, and I'm... husband-sick? Yesterday I went to a BBQ at his aunt's house, with all his family. It was hard being there without him. I love his family, and I had fun hanging out with them, but they all remind me of him so much. They always ask me if I've heard from him, if I miss him, if I'm doing okay. I appreciate that they care, but the questions remind me of how sad and lonely I am, how depressed I'm getting.

It doesn't help that things at work are up in the air once again. Another very big change is on the horizon, but until it gets here, there are a lot of big unknowns. I don't like instability. It freaks me out.

In the past, I would always try to keep some aspect of my life under control. When my personal life was a wreck, I would start kicking more ass at work. When work was a disaster, I would keep my personal life in line. There was always something that I had a say in, that I could use as my comfort zone to retreat from everything else that was frustrating. In times when that hasn't been available, I've become depressed and lethargic and generally disinterested in everything.

In the last couple weeks I've come to realize that now is one of those times. Work sucks and home is empty. There's no other comfort zone for me, except for stupid World of Warcraft, and even that has gotten hard to play because I get so many headaches.

This morning I woke up with a horrendous headache that made me sick to my stomach. I spent half the day laying down, trying to find the right combination of food, water, and pills to make it subside. I managed to push it into the background, but it's still there, throbbing away. I'm trying my best to ignore it.

I guess I'm having separation anxiety. Isn't that what they call it? Everything makes me think of my husband. Everything. Thinking of him makes me feel so melancholy. I'm so happy and thankful because we're together and I love him so much, but I'm also so distraught because he's gone, and because I know how much he hates what he's doing right now.

In moments of emotional detachment, I can almost pretend that I never met him... like I completely imagined the last 10 months, and I'm right back where I was before I met him. Then when I look at our wedding pictures, I get this heavy sense of dread.

I have dreams about him leaving me behind in some way, where I plead with him not to go and then feel helpless when he's gone. I wake up more tense than when I went to bed, and I feel so low energy all day. I cry a lot - not always a full sob, but I just sort of walk around with my breath short, my face warm and puffy, and my eyes constantly welled up, always on the verge of losing it.

I keep trying to talk myself out of it. I tell myself it's only for a year, and it will go by fast. I tell myself it won't be that bad because we'll still get to talk. I tell myself there are thousands of other wives in the same situation, and somehow they're making it through this, so I should be able to too.

But nothing changes the fact that this feels wrong. I can't quite put my finger on it, but something just isn't right. I have this overwhelming sense that I'm never going to see my husband again. I don't know whether to interpret that literally, as in, he's going die and I'll physically never see him again, or whether it's more figurative, like he'll come back alive but this experience will fuck him up so badly that he won't be the same person. Either way, I feel absolutely horrible, and no amount of rationalizing or reassurance has succeeded in changing my mindset.

All I can think about is that he should come home. Like now. If he goes, then in some form another, the man I married is not coming back. I actually wish he would go AWOL, just to get out of deployment.

And it's only been, what... 11 days since he left? It's taken me that long to clarify my thoughts and feelings enough to write about them. Now I'm afraid I may have opened the floodgates... I don't want to end up writing a whiny depressed blog every day when I feel down about my situation. Especially when it's a situation I knowingly signed up for. I knew what I was getting into, and I would do it again if given the choice. I love my husband, and I'm happy that we're together. But damn... if I can't deal with this after less than 2 weeks of separation, how on earth will I survive an entire year? How will I deal with it after he leaves the safety zone of the U.S.?

I wish I could shake off the heaviness of what I'm feeling. Although I wish for a lot of things right now. I wish I could stay in bed all day. I wish I could go for one day without so much tension in my neck and shoulders that it causes my head to throb. I wish I had a winning lottery ticket! Most of all, I wish my husband could come home, and never go overseas.

It's odd... I remember feeling a lot of these things right after I first met Joe, when he left for boot camp. I had army-related anxiety even back then. I read all about ways to get him out of the army, before I even knew if we'd see each other again. It just never seemed right to me. My gut feeling told me he shouldn't go, and I even thought about trying to talk him out of it. Except I'd just met him. What was I going to say? Hey, you picked me up at a bar and we've known each other for less than 48 hours, but I'm already going to start telling you what to do with your life? Um... no. And I still won't tell him what to do, even now that we're married. He has a right to make his own choices.

I just wish... Yeah... All of those things.

I love my husband. I just want him home safe. I'll keep trying to convince myself that my feeling of dread is nothing more than anxiety and irrational fear. This year will go by fast. It has to. Right?