Lackluster

Visits with my family are always a mixed blessing.

The night I arrived at my mom's, she and my sister got in a fight. They both egg each other on, and there's really nothing I can do to intervene without making it worse. So I sit, uncomfortably quiet, and wait for it to blow over.

Thanksgiving day was actually really good. My mom made a blackberry pie. I fixed my sister's old computer, and hooked up my mom's new one. My mom started dinner and the house filled with tasty smells. I'm pretty sure my sister got high at least 3 times during the day - I think that's the only way she managed to be so pleasant. She was on good behavior, and she and my mom mostly got along. Dinner was amazing - I ate way too much food. And my mom and sister watched TV together and laughed, which is something I don't see often.

The day after Thanksgiving, my sister had plans to hang out with her friends. She left pretty early. My mom and I drove to Mt. Vernon to have lunch. My mom talked at me the whole way there and back about the same old drama. My sister, my ex-step-dad, my dad, my grandma and aunts, my mom's counselor moving away. I've heard it all a million times before. I felt like a captive in the car, unable to talk about any of my own issues. Every time I talk about me, she finds a way to make it about her. With all the things I have going on in my own life right now, it's especially difficult to feel bogged down by hers. I keep telling her she needs to find a new counselor, because I'm not a professional. It goes in one ear and out the other.

On Saturday morning, my mom and sister got in another fight, waking me up with yelling before I was ready to be awake. They each think they're being treated unfairly. They can never meet in the middle. I hate listening to it. It reminds me of when I was in high school, and my bedroom was the only safe place, even though I could always hear the fighting between my mom and step-dad. Now my step-dad is gone, but my sister acts just like him. The fights are always the same, and my bedroom is my sister's now, so there's no safe place for me anymore. I was thankful to be leaving that day.

I stopped at Dick's on the way home - my favorite cheeseburgers and fries in Seattle. Then I had a long sleepy drive in Joe's car. It was almost dark at 4:00pm when I finally got home.

Today I'm feeling especially unmotivated. My visit with my family was both good and bad. I didn't get to talk to Joe for more than a few minutes at a time because my cell signal sucks at my mom's house. I missed him on the holiday. I wish I had come home on Friday so I'd have one more day of weekend to myself to recharge. I feel tired today, and I've got a serious case of the Sundays - I do not want to go to work tomorrow.

The dress I ordered for the christmas party arrived on Friday and was waiting on my doorstep when I got home yesterday. I tried it on, and I got to show it to Joe through the webcam. I took it to get dry cleaned today. It looks and feels just like my wedding dress, only less heavy because it's not full length, and of course it's a different color.

I'm happy to have made a decision on the dress, but I'm still pretty "blah" on the whole party concept. I guess I'm feeling like there's not a lot to celebrate this year. My husband isn't here, and lately I haven't been able to talk to him much. My job is still shitty and there are no signs of improvement in the near future. My search for a new job has turned up zero results. My family is as full of drama as ever. My cat is having health problems. My car is giving me trouble. And my health... I started taking Wellbutrin, and it's helping, but I still feel depressed a lot. I'm tired of coping with everything. I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't know though, maybe the party will be a pick-me-up. I could sure use one.

On the bright side, I finally connected with a psychiatrist who is accepting new patients, and I have an appointment with her for an assessment in a couple weeks.

That's all for now.