For some reason I really don't feel good today. I've been quiet, despondent, and downright weepy for most of the day, and I'm not sure why. I mean, I know I've got a lot on my mind right, but how is that different from any other day?
I'm thinking about what type of accommodations I should ask for at work, to help me cope with my ADD/bipolar/depression/whatever the heck this is. That's a stressful topic. If I worked in a "normal" department with a "normal" organizational structure, I would only share information about bipolar disorder with my immediate supervisor, and only to let him know what's going on with me in case I perform badly or call in sick because I don't feel well.
But because we have a self-organizing team, and my ability to work (or lack thereof) affects other people's ability to work, not to mention how they evaluate me when it comes time for annual reviews, I felt obliged to tell my whole department of 6 people.
I don't like talking about this stuff at work. It makes me feel like I'm on the spot and somehow isolated.
"I'm defective, please make exceptions for me."
But now that it's out there, I've found that my coworkers really want to be supportive. They want to help me reduce the stress that I feel in the shared workspace. They want to help me feel like I'm performing at 100% like I did back when I had my own private office. That's a good thing. But it also means I now have to make a plan. I have to figure out what might actually help, and it has to be within reason. Like, I probably can't start telecommuting - as much as I would love that. But maybe I can take a few extra breaks. Maybe the company can set me up with my own desk somewhere else in the building so I can go breathe deeply the next time I have an anxiety attack. I'm happy to be thinking about these possibilities, yet ultra stressed out about it too.
The other thing on my mind is Joey. He's going on a mission soon, I don't know where or for how long. And when he comes back, they'll be moved into tents so that the unit that's replacing them can move into they're old living quarters. There's no internet connection in the tents, and no electrical plug-ins of any kind. That means we may not be able to talk for a while. And poor Joey will be in a tent in 100 degree weather without A/C. I both feel bad for him, and sad for myself because I'll miss being able to talk to him.
On the back of my mind is the house. I know there was already an offer on the house before we made ours, but ours is better and we're in first place. But that's all I know. I'm just waiting to hear something... anything. I don't know what to expect - it's a 50/50 shot. I wouldn't be surprised if the deal never closes. I'll be sad if we don't get the house, but I'm prepared for it. We'd find another place. Eventually.
No baby for me just yet. I got my monthly visit from "Aunt Flo". (Yep, I'm that corny.) My doctor said there's still a chance I could be pregnant - like, maybe my period wasn't really a period, but spotting from implantation. But I'm pretty sure it was a regular period. It was heavy enough. So I'm not holding my breath on being pregnant this time around. But that's not a big deal - Joey will be home soon, and we'll try again. Besides, all the fun is in the practicing. :)
Yeah, ok... so I've got some stuff going on. But still... this much stress is not unusual for me, in fact, compared to how I felt back in January when I was interviewing for jobs, I would say I've got less stress now. So why the heck am I so weepy today? I don't understand it. There's no particular reason why I feel emotional, and I'm not especially stressed overall, yet I feel like crap. Is this bipolar depression? Is it because I only slept for 5 hours last night? Am I pregnant afterall and having hormonal mood swings?
Who knows. All I know is, I hope I don't wake up like this tomorrow.
Oh yeah, tomorrow... I started singing in choir again, and rehearsal is tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. We're singing Carmina Burana, and I get to sit next to my friend/coworker Victoria. We always have fun singing next to each other. Choir has turned into a bright spot in my week. I didn't want to watch Lost with commercials anyway. :)
Gah... No more weepy tears and puffy face tonight. Now is the time to pick myself up, be grateful for all the good things in my life, and put on a brave face for the world. Because I am brave, dammit.
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Baring of soul in progress.
2 comments:
So why the heck am I so weepy today?
I don't know, maybe because you are dealing with the most stressful situations life happens to hand out all in one big doggy pile.
You are entitled to feel overwhelmed, scared, happy, anxious, weepy, cranky, excited, or anything else you may happen to feel. It's normal and healthy to be emotional right now.
Just hang in there. Put your seatbelt on and enjoy the ride. :)
Wepy isn't a bad thing you know. My mother is bi-polar/depressive/manic, and I remember getting upset over a situation with a now ex-boyfriend, and it was a night where I did nothing but sob and dry up over and over.
I woke up the next morning with a puffy face, a sore throat and a bubbly chest, and my mother beamed at me and said "Doesn't it feel better to have a good cry?"
Damn her, she was right.
And I just remind myself of that, sometimes when I'm choking back tears, and trying my best to keep it in, I remember that the most important thing can be just to let it all go.
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