Writer's block... or not

Sometimes I feel like I need to say something but the words won't come out. It's like I need expression but I have nothing to say.

I have discovered over the years that my ability to be creative is directly tied to my emotional state. When I am bottled up emotionally, I am also bottled up creatively. Likewise, when my emotions flow freely, so does my creative expression.

I have also learned that one can trigger the other. If I have an emotional breakdown, I suddenly feel the burning need to create something. If I begin to create something without the precursor of emotion, the emotion soon follows, and I often can't control it. It pours out of me all at once in a blind fury.

When I was in college, I was an emotional wreck for a variety of reasons. I was also very creative. When I needed to let off steam, I would play piano, write music, draw, paint, sculpt. Painting was always my favorite outlet - I would make a complete mess, throwing paint everywhere and beating on the canvas like a punching bag.

Later as I became an adult, I learned to tuck my emotions away in order to maintain composure in difficult situations. Later still, as the result of several very bad relationships with men, I managed to shut off most of my emotional self completely. This of course meant that I could no longer create.

I haven't painted or drawn anything in at least 5 years. It's been about the same amount of time since I played piano. I tried learning to play the bass guitar, but find myself unmotivated to practice. There's just no point. I don't feel anything.

I still sing, but very informally. I sing in the car, I sing to my cat, I sing while I'm at work writing code. When I'm drunk enough, I sing karaoke. But there's no inspiration behind my voice. I just regurgitate notes. It passes the time.

The same thing is true for writing. Nearly every day there are things that I want to express in this blog, but when I sit down to write, nothing comes out. Much of my writing stems from things I'm thinking about, not things I'm feeling. Occasionally a single emotional subject pops into my head that I actually feel, and I try to write whenever that happens.

I envy people like An Interested Party and Sdock10 who's writing style can be so flowing and emotionally charged. Straight from the heart instead of always from the dispassionate brain. I wish I still had that capability.

But as I've mentioned before, I'm finally beginning to awaken from the emotional shutdown which has controlled me for the last several years. Even though I'm still groggy, writing in this blog has helped me to express emotions when I have them, and reading about the life experiences of others here has helped me to realize that I am not alone.

Sometimes I wish I could just wake up and snap out of it. Sometimes I wish there was someone who could help me do it. Lately, I can't shake the idea of wanting a new romance, just for the mystery and excitement of it, even though I'm really not in a position to reciprocate it. Sometimes I think there's just something wrong with me, and I should go see a doctor or something.

But after reading what you all have to say, and talking to many of you, I'm pretty sure a lot of people go through this. I'm really grateful for this blog as an avenue for self expression, communication, and connection.

... And to think... I started writing this because I wanted to express myself but didn't have anything to say.

I think the truth is, I always have something to say, if only I can find the right words and emotions to express it.