My early awkwardness with the boy disappeared during the middle of last week when I decided to let some of my guard down and just enjoy the moment. Since then I've done reasonably well at letting it flow and not asking questions. But tonight, as we shared a comfortable silence looking into each other's eyes, I felt a bit of sadness.
Out of nowhere, it popped into my head.
I wish you were about 10 years older and in a place in your life where we could be together on a more serious level.
It hit me so hard that I nearly said it out loud. Thank gods I didn't.
But it didn't matter, he saw me withdraw from the moment. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"Nothing," I said, looking down and faking a smile.
Sometimes I catch him with an expression that indicates he's thinking about it too, and we have the very same interaction, roles reversed.
"What are you thinking about?" I'll ask him.
"Nothing," he'll say, faking a smile.
It's going to be so hard when he leaves for Iraq. We have this amazing connection, and we both love spending time together. It's only been a week since he came home, but I've already gotten attached, just like I knew I would.
The self sabotaging part of me wants to make sure we've stopped seeing each other long before he goes, just so I can be angry at him, or at least feel indifferent, instead of feeling the pain of his loss like last time.
But I shouldn't think like that. His departure is 4 months away, and between now and then, I just want to enjoy what we have. I've been making a conscious effort. When we're together, I have to be right here, right now - not off somewhere else, worrying about the future. I want to appreciate each moment to its fullest.
He is special to me in a way that I never expected. It still surprises me when I think about it.
I'm really lucky.
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Baring of soul in progress.
9 comments:
Hi babe! *hugz*
I understand where you're coming from on this post. Easier said than done to not worry about the future while trying to get through the present, I know -- lately, though, I've been trying to look at things from a different viewpoint.
Over the last little while, I've been realizing that more people I care about are among the dead than among the living. Which got me thinking: Why do we worry so much about the future? Literally *anything* could happen between now & whenever, so why not try to enjoy the present and let the future take care of itself?
Not that easy, I know. But I really feel like this could apply to your time with the boy: if you spend too much time thinking about when he's gone, you won't enjoy the time you have with him when he's here. Kinda like that old expression of not seeing the forest for the trees, no?
The irony is, we never seem to find what we want until we're no longer looking for it. You're young, you're pretty & you have interests -- have as much fun as you can stand, and the rest of it will fall into place.
Yay, Nikki!!! I always love your visits. :)
I think you're right, and yes, it is definitely easier said than done, but absolutely worth trying.
It's getting easier to enjoy the moment when I'm with him, because he's so easy going about everything, and we seem to compliment each other really well. I can't help but snuggle up and relax.
I'm still struggling a bit with worrying about things when I'm not with him. I guess that's just part of my normal over-analyzing. But that's getting easier too.
Yesterday he sent me a text message with just a smiley. It was so small and simple, yet it totally made my day. It let me know that he's thinking about me. I really appreciate little things like that. It helps me to just smile and be thankful instead of worrying excessively.
Anyway... I'm blathering again. It might be because I woke up next to him this morning, and I'm still smiling about it. Tee-hee! :)
It's GOOD to know you're smiling!
You SO deserve it!!!
Hiya Andrea, thanks sweetie. I hope you have a great week too. I wish we could swap neighbours. I don't have a problem with natural noise even if it is loud. It's just that thump thump thump of the bass.
Nest time she gets on your nerves, think about me and remember it could be so much worse.
As for this post, I think you should put everything out of your mind and really just get on with enjoying these 4 months. Life's too short to deny yourself happiness. You have to grab it where you can.
xxxxx
Nothing wrong with a little chocolate every day. The endorphins help me cope with any number of things. Ok, maybe they don’t actually do that much, but I just keep telling myself that and I think I actually believe it.
As for bacon, I’m still working on convincing myself that bacon is good for you. It’s not as easy to believe as chocolate. It’s loaded with fat, no endorphins, and then there’s that whole “meat” aspect to it. Doesn’t mean I won’t try though.
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us."
Who deleted their own comment? :(
That would be me... I was copying & pasting, and I ended up posting an email I was reading. >_< Sorry!
Lol. No worries.
Can I just say that I'm extremely happy it's Friday?
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