Boy Blather

I've been wanting to write for the last week, but haven't known how to organize my thoughts. This might pour out into one big mess. (It usually does.)

...

The pharmacist.

After he told me multiple times that he wanted to remain friends, when I asked him directly why he's been avoiding hanging out with me, he basically told me he doesn't ever want to hang out with me unless it's a trip to the casino. And after our last trip where he blew an entire month's rent in under an hour, he's vowed not to go back for a while. So... we won't ever hang out? At all?

Oh... and apparently my cats really stink.

Whatever, dude. Get over yourself. I sure did.

...

The boy.

He graduates from training on Friday, and will be home sometime during the weekend. We already have plans to see a movie together. I'm excited to see him - I can't wait to hear all about his experience. But I'm also having a bit of anxiety too. We all know I'm terrible at going into a situation without expectations, right?

...

It worries me how easily I get attached to people when there's a good connection. I only knew the boy for one weekend before he left for training, yet his loss caused me to cry for days and be sad and mopey for weeks.

And the pharmacist... he was never a good match to begin with, yet I managed to get myself attached to him too. Then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didn't work out. (Because I always have to blame myself first before I can look at it objectively.)

So I guess the issue is that, having recently gone through a bad situation caused by my own poor judgment with the pharmacist, I'm a little leery of making another bad call with the boy. I mean let's face it, my track record for decisions concerning the male gender is not stellar.

I am also very aware of the fact that the boy cannot possibly be long term, which means he is not "the one", which makes me wonder how much time and effort I should spend on him in the first place. What if I waste my time having frivolous fun when I should be trying to date people who are my age, who aren't in the army and getting deployed in 6 months?

One of my friends who lives in Portland has a screenwriter friend he's been wanting to introduce me to. We've already halfway planned a post-ski outing with this guy, even though ski season hasn't started yet. He sounds like a great guy, and it means a lot to me that my friend wants to introduce us.

Then there's my friend who's dating all the different guys she meets online. I've never been real excited about online dating, and when I heard about some of her early experiences, I really wanted to stay away from that scene. But after she figured out how screen guys appropriately, she started meeting some really interesting people. Now she's got one she really likes who actually has long term potential.

So... I guess I'm looking at where I've been, I'm looking at the options in front of me, I'm looking at what's happening in my friends' lives, and... I have all this information... I feel like I should use it to my advantage somehow, to help me choose a path for myself... but I still don't know what's best.

I know what I want in the long run -- a boy to hold me at night who meets that whole long list of criteria from previous posts. A permanent boy. A life partner. And eventually a family.

If only I could figure out where to start!

But my more immediate issue is the boy. I will see him in less than a week. I'm really kind of surprised and amazed that he still likes me and wants to see me after all this time away. It's been almost 4 months. I thought for sure he would've forgotten me or decided he didn't like me. Who knew?

I keep thinking about his arms. They were massive and strong before he left, and he's had 4 months of rigorous physical training since then. He's going to be hotter than hot!

[Andrea flushes at the thought of the boy's biceps]

Nevertheless, I can't help feeling insecure. He's 21, beautiful, charismatic, fun, has a ton of friends and family, and plans to spend time with them all when he comes home. So... why me? Of all the girls I know damn well he has available to choose from, why on earth is he interested in me? What if he comes home, sees me, and realizes the error of his ways? He could still decide he doesn't like me, just like the pharmacist did. The pharmacist was a brilliant reminder of why NOT to get too involved or attached, why not to trust. Why I should fear.

I always second guess myself.

I know what Jennicula will say. :)

Just let it flow.

It's an immense challenge, but I will surely try.

He'll be home in less than a week!