This has been the most haphazard day. I can't seem to get anywhere on time, get anything done, or stick to any plan. I was late to work this morning, late to class, I had sit out half the class because I had heart palpitations, my boss and I keep missing each other so we can't seem to solve the problem that I need his help with, I was late to my doctor's appointment, the doctor told me exactly what I didn't want to hear so I argued with him and now I have to see a specialist for a second opinion, I went upstairs to talk to my friend for a few minutes and got sidetracked for over an hour... it's now almost 5:00pm, I've gotten nothing done, I'm completely distracted, and I feel like I should just give up and try again tomorrow.
I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I'm ill-equipped to handle this much chaos in one day.
[deep breath]
I waited all day Saturday to hear from the boy, but when midnight rolled around and he still hadn't called, I gave up and went to bed. The sound of my phone vibrating on the kitchen counter woke me at about 2:00am. He had just arrived in town a couple hours earlier, probably about the time I was going to bed, and he wanted to see if I was still awake. I figured, I'm already out of bed, so why not? So he came over.
We had a long squeezy hug, and then we sat and talked for a while. He looks so thin. He says he lost 20 lbs, but it looks like more than that. All that's left is muscle. Four weeks of running and push-ups. He doesn't think boot camp changed him like everyone said it would, but I think maybe he's a little more cocky than he was before. Not in a bad way... just different. Slightly.
We talked with each other like no time had passed at all, like we've known each other forever, even though we only knew each other for a couple of days before he left. It was nice to know that we still have a connection, that it wasn't just my imagination or something fleeting that I felt because of the excitement of the moment.
But when things got physical, I disengaged emotionally. I don't know why. I didn't mean to, it just happened. I started having this mental dialog with myself, like I wasn't even there with the boy. It was surreal. I wondered why I was feeling so detached. I wondered if it was because of what happened with the pharmacist. Then I started thinking about the pharmacist. Then I started comparing the boy to the pharmacist! Ugh.
That went on for a while before I managed to quiet my brain and bring myself back into the present. After that I found myself feeling distant from the boy. Not because of him or anything he said or did, but because of me. I didn't understand it. I was so looking forward to seeing him. I should be happy, right? I should be living in this moment. I should be all in.
Maybe I psyched myself out somehow. Maybe through all my rationalizing about how the boy can never be the one, I actually convinced myself that attachment is not an option. Maybe I put up a wall to keep myself from becoming invested. Maybe I even shut myself off to him a long time ago because I was so sad after he left.
Is it right for me to do that? Should I try to be more open with the boy? Or should I assume the wall is there for a good reason?
Argh... so many questions I keep asking myself.
I don't know when I'll see him again. Part of me wants to see him right away so I can test this out and see if I still react to him the same way. But part of me says, what difference does it make? He's not long term and I know this. So what's the big deal? Why not just have fun with him while it lasts? Who says I need to be emotionally invested? Why can't I just enjoy his company?
All day Sunday after he left my place, I was a bumbling idiot around the house, dropping things, running into furniture, forgetting what I was in the middle of doing. And I guess today hasn't been much better, since I can't seem to stay on schedule. Though apparently I'm not the only one having this problem today -- I've talked to at least 3 other people who also can't seem to get anything done or stick to a plan. It must be in the stars. Is Scorpio battling with Aries today?
My doctor's appointment was for anxiety. Actually the doctor thinks I have a panic disorder. He wants to put me on a 3-year course of anti-depressants. I'm so opposed to long term treatment, and having been on a variety of anti-depressants before, that's about the last thing I want to deal with right now. The sad thing is, I think his assessment is probably right on, if only I would accept it for what it is. For some reason, I just couldn't do it. So I'm going to see a mental health specialist for a more in-depth evaluation. They'll probably tell me the exact same thing. What will I do then? Refuse treatment again, or accept my fate?
Well... it's now just after 5:30pm, and I've already decided there's no way I can stay at work as late as I should. I'm bailing out to go drinking with my friend. Hope I make it home in time for Heroes.
Cheers.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
9 comments:
I'm sorry to hear you've had such an off kilter, shitty day. If it makes you feel any better, I've had weeks like that, and still come out alive at least.
How long will it be before you get to see The Boy again? I think you pinpointed yourself correctly when you said you might have psyched yourself out. I did that yesterday, poor Mister.
You're still on BCP, right? Are you starting a new pack? That's when I get my worst phases of "fog" and "what? what the fuck is going on?".
As for the doctor thing, I can't even begin to imagine what to say to you. My mom's been on Anti-Anxiety meds since I was young, to combat her Bi-Polarity. (Is that even a word?)
The doctor recently put my dad on some anti-anxiety drugs, and it wigged him out big time. He started hearing voices, suicidal thoughts, the whole nine.
So they're going to try him on a much lower dosage, and gradually increase it, in the hopes that they can hit on something that works.
Maybe, if you get the same opinion twice, you could ask if they could do the same thing?
-A
Hate to say it, but this post, especially with the anxiety, makes me want to smack you(Kidding) :p
Thanks for stopping by my blog. Things went well at the hospital, but I've been dianosed with a sprained upper back.
They prescriped me some anti-inflammatory pills. The only thing is, I can't carry anything heavy for a while, and sometimes the pain shifts from my shoulder blade, to my arm.
I still have pain in my neck, and I read that it could take at least six to eight weeks to heal, and at least two months to fully recover :/
So far I had pain for almost four weeks now.
What's going on with the boy? Have you seen him again, or not yet?
I can't explain what's it like to have severe anxiety, but ever since I got sick, I had been a bit scared to sleep in the dark, or to be in the house myself.
It left me feeling vulnerable. I never realized how isolating being alone was, until now. It just sucks because you feel so cut off from the world.
From what I read, I think your doctor may be right with the diagnosis, so I think it'll be good to discuss it with him, when you're up to it.
I think denying it may only worsen the situation, but I don't know.
I wish you the best of luck with that and the boy, if anything happens.
Sorry about the long post.
I hate Mondays too.
So, you are still no clearer on the which guy to go for debate. I don't think I can say anything on this subject except that maybe you should stop comparing them to each other and ask yourself what you want in a guy and see if either of them tick all the boxes.
I'm sorry to hear about the health issues. As you know, i am on anti-depressants and have been for a while now, I will prob be on them forever. I know some people don't like the idea of taking them but I am one of those people with a chemical imbalance and I need them to make my brain function like normal. I have no side effects so I am lucky. If you have had problems in the past, I'm not surprised you are wary.
But, there are many different anti-depressants, so give them a go. They could help.
xxxx
Hello sunshine!
Thanks for getting me up-to-date. Ok, here's what I think (although the phrase "grain of salt" does come to mind)
* the weather here has messed me up. My head is foggy and I've been walking around with a headache most of the week. I can't focus or what I do focus on has nothing to do with what I should be doing. (hence this long, drawn out ramble to you when I should really be working)I think chocolate will help. You should have some too.
* the boy - it's easy to see why there's a disconnect. You are protecting you. Don't sweat it.
* meds - there are so many different kinds out there now, maybe you'll find your magical mix and do alright. There's not the stigma there once had been. Don't forget, sometimes they DO help. Just give it a real try and see how it goes. Don't be afraid to tell your doctor if something doesn't seem right. Definately get a 2nd opinion.
* Chocolate and bacon. I know there's no real reason for this being on the list. But I had bacon with lunch today and had some chocolate for dessert.
Be well. Be good.
xoxoxo
Thank you all for your support, it means a lot to me.
Here's the thing about me and anti-depressants.
I have a history of depression, sometimes mild, sometimes severe. At my worst I have been suicidal, I have had hallucinations, I have spent weeks at a time in bed, and I have become scary skinny from not eating for days. I also have ADD. In the last decade I have taken Paxil, Zoloft, Effexor, Lexapro, Wellbutrin, Strattera, and Ritalin. I think there are one or two more that I'm forgetting.
Zoloft and Wellbutrin actually helped me feel better. The others all made me more sick and/or dysfunctional than I was before I started taking them, even after the "adjustment period" had passed. But because I've had success with two of them, I would be willing to try again. If my problem was depression.
I haven't been depressed for about 3 years. What I'm experiencing now is much different than anything I've experienced before. With depression, the symptoms are constant -- they never go away. Even with some of the anxiety I've experienced along with my depression, the symptoms were always present.
What's happening to me now is very strange to me because it's not constant. Most of the time, I feel just fine. It only happens when I get so stressed out that I just can't deal with it anymore. I go into a fight or flight response, my logic process shuts down, I lose all focus, and my body goes into adrenaline rush. Just like my little panic attack at the casino with the pharmacist.
Each time it happens during a period of already elevated stress. When I remove myself from the stressful situation, the attack subsides. The problem is, I'm not always able to remove myself. When I'm at work, I can't just leave the office in the middle of the day, I have to stay here and try to get work done. That's the part that got me worried enough to go to the doctor. I have to be able to work.
The other piece of the puzzle is that I have trouble getting to sleep at night, mostly because I'm thinking about all the work I didn't get done while I was having an anxiety attack in the office. I also get tensed up during the attacks, and that leaves lingering shoulder and neck pain and headaches, which sometimes keep me up at night because I can't get comfortable in bed. Lack of sleep makes it harder for me to deal with stress, so it's a vicious little cycle.
To me, the idea of taking anti-depressants for the next 3 years is sort of ridiculous because I'm not depressed, and none of the symptoms I'm experiencing are constant. I've been depressed before, and I've had constant anxiety before. I know what it feels like. This is very different. It seems to me that a different set of symptoms should get a different type of treatment. What I really wanted was something to help me sleep at night, or maybe something I can take at the onset of a panic attack.
But my doctor says that what's happening to me is still a chemical imbalance. I'm very good at adapting and compensating, he says. I've learned how to avoid experiencing constant symptoms by altering the way I respond to stress, but that has only caused me to experience the symptoms in a different way. To him, I'm a textbook case.
I can almost agree with his diagnosis, but because this feels so different from anything I've been through before, I'm having difficulty accepting it as fact. I'm hoping that a second opinion will help solidify it for me, or else enough time will pass that I'll finally wrap my head around it and accept it for what it is.
So that's my deal. Yes, I'm being stubborn, and probably an idiot for not just doing what my doctor tells me. But dammit, it's multiple years of treatment on a drug that will alter my chemical state, and in the beginning, may very well impact my ability to do my job. That's not a decision I take lightly, especially with my history.
Good grief, that was a long comment on my own blog. I should just make a new post next time. :P
I almost forgot completely...
I'm still not convinced that my birth control pills aren't affecting my chemical balance. Hormones are powerful, and there's definitely been a correlation between my depression and BCP usage in the past. So that's something else I need to think about when considering treatment.
Andrea
I hope you don't mind me commenting on your blog, but I wanted to let you know my experiences about medication.
I don't have depression, but someone close to me suffers it and the anxiety that you describe and has been on anti-depressant medication for years.
I just wanted to let you know that most mental health professionals now treat anxiety with anti-depressants as they are (thought to be) non addictive, unlike the traditional Benzodiazepines (which act as a tranquillizer, and your body can become accustomed to it and require higher doses.)
If your anxiety is severe and cognitive coping skills fail to help, then suitable medication will help take the "edge" off this feeling. It's never seen as a "cure", more like something that helps adjustment so you can deploy other strategies.
The drugs prescribed are never used to "alter" your chemical state, but to balance it. If they are effective, then you should not feel different at all, just without the constant gnawing anxiety, As with anything you also need to adjust the stress in your life, as it is the trigger to the anxiety.
I hope that helps you in coming to a decision.
Good luck.
Thanks Andrea.
I went to the doctor's today to figure out what was wrong with me with the illness, and they think it's some kind of viral infection that's been going around apparently.
Tomorrow I am gettin blood tests done just to be sure.
Take care.
Thanks anonymous, I appreciate your input. And no, I don't mind you commenting here. All are welcome.
Post a Comment