I don't know what it is, but I've been especially irritated with the boy for the last couple days. I'm trying to figure out if it's just because I'm sick, which makes me more sensitive and irritable than usual, or if there's something more to it than that. I'm pretty sure it's the former, but nonetheless, he's kinda driving me crazy!
I started getting sick on Friday. I left work early, and saw the boy for about 20 minutes before he left for drill. I spent Friday night, Saturday, and Sunday alone before before he came home Sunday night. I do just fine on my own, even when sick, but I still missed him terribly while he was gone.
Almost immediately after he came home, I was annoyed. He didn't seem to understand why the military movie bothered me so much. He joked too much even after I asked him to stop playing around with me. He went to rent movies even after I explained that when I'm sick I only want to watch movies I already own (weird quirk, I know). Then I had no place to go while he watched them. When I started playing Warcraft, he started playing X-Box... when my volume was too loud, rather than asking me to turn it down, he turned his up, starting a video game volume war. Then there were the guilt trip comments about sex, after I clearly explained that I'm just not turned on when my body is all achy.
It just went on and on, from Sunday night, through Monday, and even today when we met each other for lunch. We continue to antagonize each other for no good reason.
We don't have anything specific to fight about. To my knowledge, neither of us is angry about anything in particular. We didn't see each other all weekend, and our time last week was limited too, so it's not like we're spending too much time together. (Or are we?) I can't think of any reason why we've been so unusually intolerant of each other.
I keep trying to ask him to be nicer to me in various ways, because I know that when I'm sick, I have a tendency to take everything a little too personally. But he responds with more sarcasm. I feel like I can't win!
Then I wonder if we're both snappy because we know he's leaving in just over 2 weeks. April 2nd is the date. Is it possible that neither of us has figured out the right way to deal with this yet, so it comes off as defensive assholishness? (Yes, I made that up on the spot. I'm that good.)
I don't know... usually he talks about how he would take such good care of me when I'm sick, and in the past when I haven't felt good, he has proven himself a worthy caretaker. But this time around, he's anything but. He went and got us food yesterday, and that was nice, but besides that, it almost feels like he's going out of his way to be contrary.
All I want to do is rest and either be cared for or be left alone, and instead I feel like I'm having to defend myself from his unfeeling remarks and lack of sympathy.
Is it just me? Am I just whiny because I'm sick?
I wish I knew how to overcome this. Every time I try to talk about it, it seems to make it worse. I guess all I can do is wait and see if it blows over after a couple more days.
Blah. I don't want to be sick anymore.
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2 comments:
Oh wow...
And of course right after I write this, I go and do some research, because... that's what I do.
http://www.military.com/benefits/resources/deployment/emotional-cycle-of-deployment-pre-deployment
The pre-deployment stage is characterized alternately by denial and anticipation of loss. As the departure date gets closer, spouses often ask: "You don't really have to go, do you?" Eventually, the increased field training, preparation, and long hours away from home herald the extended separation that is to come. Soldiers energetically talk more and more about the upcoming mission and their unit. This "bonding" to fellow Soldiers is essential to unit cohesion that is necessary for a safe and successful deployment. Yet, it also creates an increasing sense of emotional and physical distance for military spouses. In their frustration, many spouses complain: "I wish you were gone already." It is as if their loved ones are already "psychologically deployed."
I think that pretty much describes it. The details aren't quite exact, but I think it's a growing sense of distance. It's easier to be sarcastic than to remain attached.
I don't know, I'm probably over-analyzing again. Wouldn't be the first time, and I'm sure it won't be the last!
Ain't love grand?
At least you found that this is a normal kind of thing.
It's got to be scary for him to leave you. And it's got to be scary for you to have him leave.
Lotsa emotions and worries.
And you're sick.
Hang in there.
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