So Worn Out

I've gone through a string of emotional ups and downs during the past several days, and it's left me feeling wholly exhausted. I've been so useless at work today; I can't think straight anymore.

It's been a mix of excitement and depression, determination and helplessness.


All the thing we're going to do together when he gets back.
All the things I'm going to miss when he's gone.

Dammit, we're going to get through this no matter what.
I have no control over what's happening and I hate it.


I continue to swing back and forth.

On Saturday we went out with the boy's cousins for drinks and karaoke. They all got really drunk, but I only had a couple beers. I karaoke'd the shit out of Muse and MCR. It was pretty fun, but there was a heavy sense of this being the last hurrah.

One of the boy's cousins asked me if I was holding it together, and I answered honestly. No, I'm having a really hard time. He seemed half surprised. Maybe he expected me to lie to him. Oh yeah, I'm doing fine, everything's going great.

I'm not a good liar.

I babysat the boy's drunk ass until the wee hours, though I didn't hold it against him. That was the point, afterall, and I'm glad he had fun. But I felt pretty horrible on Sunday from lack of rest and continually overactive emotions.

There was a potluck on Sunday, a going away party for the boy, with 30+ members of his family for me to interact with, many of whom I was meeting for the first time. I was already tired going into it, and completely drained coming out.

Don't get me wrong, everyone was super nice, the food was tasty, and there were several adorable little kids and babies. But if I have to hear one more person ask about when the boy is leaving, what his training schedule is, how long he'll be gone, or wish him good luck...

*Gah*

I know people mean well, and I know they're asking because they're his family and they love him and they want him to be safe. All the same reasons why I want to know what's going on. But when you hear it 20 times in one day, it only serves to highlight the inevitable, and that's the last thing I want right now.

When we got home, we watched the movie Seven Pounds, which was a tear jerker that made us both cry. It deals a lot with grief and loss, things we're both feeling anyway. After it was over, we held onto each other and sobbed for what seemed like forever. I got wet makeup all over the boy's shirt sleeve and shoulder.

Then we climbed into bed together and cried some more. I finally turned out the light when I couldn't cry anymore.

I woke up still feeling heavy and stretched, unrested, mentally and emotionally drained. I've been that way all day long. I saw the boy at lunch, and he said he felt the same way all morning.

To add to our frustration, the boy can't get a straight answer from his commanding officers about his deployment schedule. He reports to the armory early on Thursday morning, but they don't fly out until Monday. So does he get to come home for the weekend? Nobody seems to know.

So I'm planning for Wednesday to be the last day I get to spend with him before he leaves, because I don't know what's happening after that.

He's supposed to come home again after one month of training, but I don't know what date or for how long. I've heard "a couple of days" but I don't know what that means exactly. If I knew, I could ask for time off work. But the best I could do was send my boss an email telling him that in about a month I might ask for a couple days off. It doesn't get much more vague than that.

I'm overwhelmed by everything right now. I hope I'm strong enough to make it through this. I know it will get better after he leaves for his second training, because once he's gone for that, he'll really be gone and there won't be all this waiting and wondering what the hell is happening. Then I can try to get myself into a routine and just plow through the days until he's home safe again. But until that happens, I think it's going to be kind of a mess. I just have to do the best I can.

I feel lucky that he values this time as much as I do, and he makes it a priority to spend time with me and include me in what he's doing. I'm so in love with him.

Here's a little photo from our drunk karaoke night. It makes me smile. :)



I can't wait for him to be home for good. He hasn't even left yet and I'm already counting down. Only 13-ish more months to go.