Bad Timing Is My Curse

I've got this problem at work I need to solve. It's stopping me from moving forward on my project. But I can't concentrate on fixing it because I'm completely exhausted and distracted.

...

Yesterday was supposed to be the last day, but it wasn't. In the middle of the day, the boy was told that he could go home for the night. Great news -- an unexpected evening with the boy, extra time to spend together, and one last night to sleep next to him, warm and comfortable.

Of course, it also meant that I had to get up early again today to drive him back to the armory. It wasn't quite as early as yesterday - this time we were up at 4:30am and in the car before 5:00am.

On the way there, out of the blue, he said "I regret my decision."

"What decision?" I asked. I was expecting it to be his decision to join the Army.

"Waiting to get married until I get back."

"Oh..." My heart sank and I just about teared up, but I tried not to show it. "Why?"

"I wish we had gotten married before I left. But it's only a year, we can make it. Or maybe if I get leave, we can get married then."

I had to work hard to choke back my frustration.

This is something the boy and I have talked about repeatedly ever since we first acknowledged that we're in love, when we started talking about sharing our lives together.

Initially, we wanted to wait because we wanted to live together before we got married. I'm a big proponent of this and so is the boy. I want to know for sure that I can live peacefully with someone before I commit to sharing my life with him.

But then we moved in together, and we found out that we get along extraordinarily well. My apartment used to be a place where I stayed and kept my stuff, but now with the boy there, it actually feels like a real home. I love it and I wouldn't have it any other way.

The boy's other reason for waiting is that he doesn't want to make me a widow. I have never agreed with his rationale on this, in fact I think it's kind of retarded, and I've told him as much. But his mind is made up.

First off, he wants me to have faith that he's coming back to me, right? So how can he even talk about me becoming a widow? I guess he means it in a "hope for the best, plan for the worst" sort of way, but I hate it.

Secondly, I would much rather get married and end up a widow than never have the opportunity to be his wife at all.

But regardless of all that... when we talk about not getting married because I might become a widow, we're totally getting bogged down by the what if's. I've been trying really hard to stop doing that, and the boy's been giving me all kinds of encouragement. He wants me to focus on my day to day activities instead of being worried about him all the time. He doesn't want to think of me having a hard time back home, he wants to know that I'm okay. And I fully understand how that would be better for both of us.

But if what I want in my heart is to be his wife, and I think about that every time I look at the ring on my finger, and I know the only reason why it's not happening is because of a "what if"... well... it makes it a lot easier for me to focus on other what if's, and a lot harder to focus on what's in front of me.

When I realized that this was my mindset, I was a little surprised at myself. I've never been in a hurry to get married before, so why now? Why do I want this so badly? I actually made a mental list...

He is my match.
I love him more than I've ever loved anyone.
I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.
I love living with him.
He is my partner and I always want him to be.
I want him to be my family.
I want us to have children.

Obvious reasons, right?

Then I stumbled onto some not-so-obvious reasons...

I want him to stop doubting, to stop being afraid that I'm going to leave him while he's gone. He says he trusts me, and I know he does, but he can't help it... soldiers get the idea of Jody stealing their woman drilled into their heads on a routine basis. It has made him paranoid. Somehow I think if we were married, he might feel more secure.

I'm also scared for myself that I might not be strong enough to make it through this. The idea of being married to him gives me added strength, to know that we could be one unit. A team. Nothing will ever break us. Maybe that would give us both the extra push we need to stay motivated and focused to make it through this year.

And, somewhat selfishly, I want people to stop thinking of him as my boyfriend. I know I shouldn't care what other people think, but on this particular issue, I do.

"Boyfriend" is a term I use to describe the guy I'm dating. I don't know if I'm still going to be with that guy a year from now, or even 6 months from now. "Boyfriends" are people I've been with in the past, people I maybe thought I loved, people I lived with, but never people I was absolutely certain about. There were always questions. There was always doubt.

The boy is most definitely NOT a "boyfriend" and I don't think he ever has been. We had a strong connection on the first night we met. I always knew he was different and special. And when we fell in love, that was it. I never wanted to be with anyone else, ever again. In my heart, I already see him as my husband. I want everyone else to see him in the same way I see him. He's not some guy I'm dating, he's my partner for life.

Once again I surprised myself. I feel very strongly about this. I want to be his wife. I haven't felt this strongly about anything in... a long time? Maybe never? I've just never been in a situation that felt so natural and so right. It feels like we're supposed to married, like it's just plain meant to be.

Is it weird that I feel this way? Sometimes I think I'm just being overly dramatic, and other times I feel like this is the way it is - I feel this way for a reason, and it means a lot to me.

The boy and I have talked about this so many times, and every time, we say the same things to each other.

"I understand what you're saying, but I just don't agree."

We both say it. Sometimes I wonder if we're even listening to each other anymore. No matter how I try to explain what I'm feeling, I can't seem to get it across adequately. He's probably felt the same way.

Oddly enough, this is the only major disagreement we've had. We know we're getting married, we just argue about when, and it continues to be a sticking point. I always feel like the loser in the argument. I don't like someone else deciding for me. I like to be in control of what's happening in my life. At the very least, I like to be part of a negotiation and compromise. But he hasn't been willing to compromise on this. He's been very clear and very persistent. We will not get married until after he returns from Iraq.

So when he told me today that he regrets his decision, a decision he has been stubbornly sticking to for months, I had a big jumble of mixed up feelings. I was happy because maybe we finally see eye to eye. I was angry because I wish he could have been more open to my feelings at a time when we could have done something about it. I was sad because I still can't have what I want... it's too late now. We have to wait for a year.

At the same time, I really didn't understand where his change of heart was coming from, and unfortunately we didn't have time to talk about it. I wish I knew why he changed his mind. He was so adamant for so long, and nothing I said could sway him. So why now? What's different?

And the ultimate question, for me at least, is what do I do with this information? It really, really bugs me. I keep thinking about it. Obviously I can't do this over the long term, or I'm going to drive myself crazy.

Part of me wants to get all the paperwork together and see if he'll agree to get married when he comes home at the end of this first training. He'll only be here for a few days, but we might be able to do it.

Another part of me thinks it would be silly to rush it like that. Maybe we should just wait like he wanted to in the first place, and stick to our plan of getting married when he comes home in 2010.

I keep asking myself, is there any point now? What would it be like to get married and then have him leave days or even hours afterwards? Is there any point to being married if you don't get to spend any time together as husband and wife for the first year? Is it better to wait until you can actually be together? Or is the knowledge enough? Is it okay that we don't see each other for the first year if we both know in our hearts that we're partners for life? Is that knowledge enough to make us both stronger, even over great distance?

I don't know... I'm still undecided on everything. How should I feel? How should I handle it? Should I go after what I want, or just try my very best to ignore the frustration for a year?

I wish he hadn't told me that today. I was already frustrated thinking about it, probably more than he understood, and now that I know he feels the way he does, it's all the more painful.

No... I'm glad he said something. I'd hate for him to go away and be thinking about this, wishing he had told me.

Clearly I've got some more processing to do.

All I want is to be his wife.

...

I still haven't fixed my problem at work.

I'm still exhausted.

I'm still distracted.

And I miss my boy.

I just want to go home.