Getting By

Another up and down week.

There have been moments of excitement and energy, and moments of complete and utter exhaustion. On some days I am wholly checked out from the rest of the world. I'm so tired of being frustrated.

The owner of my apartment complex asked me if I wanted to return as their tech support person, with a discount on my rent as payment. I had already done it for two years. The work was a mild pain in the ass, but cheap rent was nice. I can always use extra money. However, because of what I'm going through at work, and because Joey is gone, I just don't feel up to it. I'm so drained at the end of every work day. My personal time is sacred, and I don't want to fill it up with a second job, even one with a relatively small time commitment. So I told him no.

Earlier this week, I talked to my mom on the phone, and the first thing she asked me was how I'm dealing with Joe being gone and being just days from going into Iraq. After we talked about my frustrating life, she talked my ear off about hers. It was a depressing conversation. I went to bed right afterward.

The next morning before I was even out of bed, I got text from Joe's mom. She had been reading the news again, and had gotten all paranoid about Joe's safety. She wanted to know if I knew where Joe is, when I'd heard from him last, where's he's going to be in the next few days. Joe can't even tell me where he is -- I know he's in Kuwait, but I'm not allowed to know where in Kuwait. I know he'll be in Iraq soon, but I don't know what day he's going.

So... I got my mom right before bed, and Joe's mom first thing the next morning. More reminders of the fact that he's gone, that we all miss him, that he's in danger. It set the tone for that whole day, which turned out to be all sorts of crappy.

The one bright spot in my week was an impromptu meeting. The supervisor of the new position I applied for, who happens to be a good friend of mine, called me into his office today. He told me that I am one of their top 3 candidates, and he wants to give me an interview, maybe as early as next week.

Apparently, the initial testing for this position resulted in a very small pool of viable candidates. So small that they questioned whether to interview now, or re-open the position for two more weeks in an attempt to get more applicants. The decision hinged on my interest in an interview.

The supervisor explained to me that this position will be very different from my current position in several big ways. He wanted to make sure I understood that, and find out whether that knowledge would change my interest in the job.

Actually, it's because of those differences that this new position is exciting to me. There are things about my current position that have frustrated me for years. Even as we venture into this crazy reorganization experiment for the next 6 months where we totally change the way we do our work every day, those same frustrations remain. They're a huge source of stress, anger, and depression.

So this information about the new position was really great news, and it came at a great time.

That being said, I'm still enormously exhausted. This was such a long and ridiculous day, which is how every day this week has been. I'm so glad tomorrow's Friday.

I think about my husband all the time. I've been able to talk to him a couple times during the last week, but our conversations are so short. I don't get to tell him all the things I want to. I have this fear that we're going to lose touch with each other because we can't talk and keep each other up to date on our daily lives. I hope that doesn't happen.

I keep having dreams that I'm getting ready to go do things -- like last night, I was getting myself all packed to go camping -- and I'm just waiting for Joey to get home. I've had at least three of these dreams. I've always got something fun planned, but I can't go until Joey gets home so he can go with me. I'm always waiting for him. When I wake up, I feel so groggy and melancholy.

On the bright side, I have been sleeping without antihistamines for the last couple days, and I'm actually getting some decent sleep. My digestive system seems to be a bit better too, although still not perfect.

I just have to get through tomorrow, and then I'll have a whole weekend to relax.