Monday Mornings Suck Big Donkey Balls

Sunday evening, I'm already tensed up in anticipation of going to work the next day.

By Monday morning, I'm in pure survival mode.

Joey called my cell phone while I was in the shower. Like 5 times. I see that he called me, but I don't have any way to call him back. And I need to get to work. So I move on with my day.

Just do whatever you have to do to get through this day so you can go home.

Usually that involves a huge amount of effort to suppress my emotions, which doesn't really work, and I end up near boiling under the surface, ready to explode in anger at any moment.

I don't want to work on ill-planned projects.

I don't want to sit in a room full of idiots all day long.

I don't want to be "energized" when the process is so draining.

I don't want my decision making power to be eroded even further.

I don't want the village idiot to be labeled as any kind of expert. He most certainly is not.

I don't want to waste effort on trying to concentrate when I'm constantly surrounded by the noise of extraneous discussion.

We start at 9:30am sharp. My time is no longer my own. We do a stand-up meeting with everyone in the department, then straight to an hour-long lecture from our consultant. It's like being in school again.

This particular lecture makes me roll my eyes a lot. I'm coming to realize that I just don't believe in this process. It's been three years of mistakes, and apparently we haven't learned from any of them. We're still concentrating on processes instead of people. We're still trusting people to be smart and competent, but that's just not the case.

During the lecture, I can hear my office phone ringing, and I know it's Joey, but I can't get up to answer it. It's group time, and we're in the middle of a lecture.

The lecture is pissing me off, people's bone-headed responses to the lecture are pissing me off, and the sound of my phone still ringing in my office 10 minutes later is pissing me off. It feels like everyone wants a piece of me. I just want my time to be my own again, even if only for a few minutes.

When the lecture is finally over, I have that now-familiar awkward moment where I have no idea what I should be doing. I have similar moments throughout the day, but this one is more ambiguous than usual.

I'm supposed to pick a partner to pair with. Two people have already paired off, which leaves only one person to pair with me. But he's nowhere to be found, and I don't want to work with him anyway. He's an idiot.

As I'm standing there, feeling lost, I hear my phone ring again. I run to my office to answer it.

I'm annoyed. This is at least the 15th time today Joey's called me, even if it's only the first time I've been able to answer.

Literally. There were about 5 missed calls on my phone before I left for work. There were 5 or 6 missed calls, plus text messages that must have come in since I got to work. And I heard my office phone ring repeatedly during the lecture.

It's not that I don't want to talk, but... I'm at work. Work pisses me off. I'm in shut-down survival mode, and I'm just barely holding it together. I'm talking on my office phone, which is located right next to the group area. Everyone can hear me and they all know I'm on a personal phone call. And it's been made very clear that I'm expected to participate with the group during certain hours. I'm under enormous pressure to "be a team player" by not hiding in my office. It makes me so agitated. And Joey knows this - I've explained it to him before.

Joey questions me about why I haven't answered his calls.

I was just in a lecture, I tell him.

But I tried to call you earlier, he says.

I must have been in the shower, I tell him.

He says, well I didn't want to call too early and wake you up, but I tried to call early enough that I would catch you before your shower. What time was it? It was 7:57am. I thought I was calling early enough to catch you.

I don't know. Maybe I was outside. I got up early to water my plants and give the cats fresh water. It's supposed to be over 100 today.

Well I tried to call you when...

Does it matter? (I'm irritated by all the details.)

Does it matter? (He questions my question.)

Yeah. Why are we still talking about this? I missed your call, I'm sorry. I don't know where I was or what I was doing. But we're talking now, so let's talk.

We'll you're in a pissy mood.

I'm not in a mood, Joey. I'm at work, work sucks. I'm not having a good day, and I don't want to answer 20 questions about... (well intentioned yet short-tempered explanation completely cut off)

Well I can see your in a pissy mood. Thanks for taking it out on me. I'll talk to you later.

And he was gone. I thought he hung up on me. My face got all hot and tense, and the tears poured. After I'd been trying so hard all morning to keep it together and get through the day. I wanted to scream, but I was sitting right next to the group area. Then I realized everybody probably just heard that. I feel embarrassed.

Then I got text from him. He didn't intend to hang up on me, the call got dropped. But he'll talk to me later.

Once again, I have no way to call him back. And hang up or not, the damage is already done. He knows about my situation at work. He knows I'm upset all the time. I needed his patience and understanding more than anything. He was the one person who could have helped me. But he wasn't patient. He bailed. And now I feel alone and hurt, on top of my existing anger and frustration.

I sat in my office for a good 10 minutes, facing away from the door, trying to collect myself so I could go back out and face the group.

A coworker pokes his head into my office and asks me if I want to pair. I have to get up and go out there, but I'm totally not ready. I can only imagine what my face looks like right now.

The coworker enthusiastically asks me what I want to work on. I don't fucking care. I don't want to work on anything. I don't even want to be here.

Well, what's this one about? I point at a card on the white board, forcing myself to engage.

He begins explaining it to me, and I start to get frustrated because he's so amazingly clueless, yet he's all excited to dive right in.

I guess ignorance really is bliss.

I wish I was more stupid. Then maybe I'd be happy today.