It's getting harder to concentrate and be productive at my job. It's getting harder to sleep at night. It's getting harder to pull myself out of bed each morning. It's getting harder to remove myself from the internet, the only place I feel safe reaching out.
Something's not right. Something is missing, I can feel it. This is all wrong. Everything. I know it is. I can't get over it. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't function because of it.
I want out. I want it all to stop. I want to run from it and hide. I want shelter and safety. I want my own space, away from everyone else. I want to sit quietly with my thoughts and not be on anyone else's schedule or agenda. I want to be free from all this.
But I want to be part of it too, for the sake of stretching it out. I want to dive in and splash around. I want to blend into the crowd, but I want everyone to see. I want to make an impression. I want to tear it all apart. Watch me while I self destruct and take you and your expectations with me.
I don't regret my life up to this point, but today, here and now, I must acknowledge that this is not where I want to be. This is not what I want. Any of it. If it feels wrong, that's because it is wrong.
The only real question left to ask is, where do I go from here, and how on earth do I get there?
Thank you, my friend, for your unintentional black inspiration. It is because of you that I have these little conversations with myself, now almost every day. You flipped the switch like it was a toy for your amusement, then you ran away to hide in your dark corner, far out of my reach. I am here alone with nothing but my thoughts, emotions, second guesses, and self doubt, always waiting for you to tell me something true.
And so the cycle continues.
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3 comments:
I've never stopped by before, but I read this post and I just wanted to say that I really can say I know how you feel.
I want out. I want it all to stop. I want to run from it and hide. I want shelter and safety. I want my own space, away from everyone else. I want to sit quietly with my thoughts and not be on anyone else's schedule or agenda. I want to be free from all this.
You have no idea how much I identify with this. I'm not joking when I say it's a daily struggle to NOT jump in front of a bus, and instead go to a job I have no heart for anymore.
And yes, I also know how you feel when you say that you want to make an impression. Tear down the walls and build your own monument.
The only problem is, in reality, the only tearing is happening to me. The rebuilding crew showed up late, and they lost the blueprints.
-A
Aw, Amy, thanks for stopping by. It means a lot, you have no idea.
I'm sorry you're feeling the same way I am, because I've been feeling pretty shitty a lot lately. I hate to think of anyone else feeling this way too, but it's comforting to know I'm not alone.
The rebuilding crew showed up late, and they lost the blueprints.
I feel that, I really do. Except when my rebuilding crew realized the blueprints were missing, they all walked off the job. So what happens now?
I wish I knew.
Thanks Andrea. I hope you have a great weekend too. Take care!
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