Crash

Monday morning I could hardly walk, stand, or sit without sharp shooting pains in my low back. The longer it went on, the farther it spread out from the center. Pretty soon, my forearms were throbbing, my hamstrings were tight, and my neck was pinched. I noticed a massive knot at the base of my head, undoubtedly the cause of my growing headache.

I skipped my workout that morning, called the chiropractor, and left work early to go see him. He did all kinds of tests (when I say tests, I mean muscle tests, not lab tests -- his specialty is applied kinesiology), and he gave me several adjustments. He thinks the underlying cause, like most of my problems, is systemic, probably a chemical imbalance of some kind. Maybe a toxin in my liver was the trigger. Hmm, I think to myself, must've been that night of hard drinking on Friday. :\

It still hurt on Tuesday, and I didn't want to spend another miserably unproductive day in the office, so I stayed home. I spent the entire day laying down, and eventually the shooting pains became less intense and less frequent. Feeling more confident, I tried to go for a walk in the evening, but I only went for about 1/3 of my usual distance, at a substantially decreased pace. More shooting pains.

Today, the pain has improved significantly, but I still have that knot in the back of my head causing a headache and tension in my neck, and there's still lingering pain in my back, although it is more dull now.

It's always a major setback for me when this happens, both physically and emotionally, especially because I had been working so hard to make it better. In the long run, I think it will still be better, but these little backward steps are so difficult to bare. The "best" part is that I get all sorts of free advice from people who obviously mean well but really don't understand what I'm going through.

"Have you taken ibuprofen?"

"Maybe you should get an x-ray."

"Have you tried massage?"

Most people have a hard time with the concept of physical symptoms being caused by internal problems. And people really have a hard time with the fact that I won't go to a "normal doctor" to get my pain treated. What they don't realize is that I've been to many doctors over the years, had many tests done, taken all kinds of pain meds, and even gone to physical therapy. My chiropractor is the first and only doctor who has ever been concerned with finding the underlying causes for my pain, and treating those causes instead of just treating the symptoms. I would much rather spend the time and effort to dig through all the layers and get to the bottom of this mess than simply take a prescription to treat what's on the surface.

But it's difficult to explain that to people, and when I'm in pain, I'm too irritable and impatient to deal with most people anyway. I just want them to leave me alone. Then I go home at the end of the day and feel lonely and isolated.

Last night I wished for the boy again. I just wanted someone to be there to hold me and make me feel safe, and since he was the last person who did that, I thought of him. I wondered what his life is like right now, taking orders, getting his individuality stripped away to become part of a unit. I wonder if it's what he thought it would be. I wonder if still wants to be there.

I promised myself last weekend that I would let him go. I made a conscious effort. I spent a couple days purposely getting it all out of my system, preparing myself to let go of him, getting ready to move on. I thought about what I want in a partner, what qualities I should look for when I'm trying to meet people. I think I'm just about ready. Yet I still think of him every single day.

Right now, all I really want is someone to hold me. Especially when I'm in so much pain, I just need someone to make me feel warm. I need to know I'm not alone.

But it can't be just anybody, it needs to be the right person. We need to have a good connection. We need to be able to see each other.

I still wish he was here. But he can't be here, and I need to let him go.

This pain will pass, and eventually so will my thoughts about the boy. By the end of the week, I will probably feel "normal" again, and I might even go out for another night of hard drinking. I just have to get through this.

I just have to.