All Kinds of Weirdness

Another long, rambly post.

This has been such a strange and complicated week, both personally in terms of dealing with my own confusing thoughts and emotions, and socially in terms of interesting and unexpected interactions with the people around me.

The Weezer concert last Thursday was fucking awesome, but almost completely overshadowed by frustrations with the pharmacist immediately afterward.

There was the awkward break-up, and two nasty email exchanges. I've been all mixed up about it. Even though I'm very angry at the pharmacist for the way he's treated me, I really liked him a lot at one point and was almost ready to upgrade him to full boyfriend status. I can't just switch that off because we had a bad interaction. It bothers me a lot that things came so close to being good, then turned so quickly and drastically bad. I keep trying to understand how and why, but I can't wrap my head around it.

I've had some really interesting nights out with my friend -- she's becoming like my big sister. We cried at a chick flick together, we've counseled each other on our respective boy dilemmas, we've been each other's life line in times of emotional crisis, and last night I was her wingman, helping her get the hook-up with a hot guy we met at the bar. It's weird having a supportive, trustworthy female friend. I haven't had very many in my life.

I heard from both of my long distance friends this week, just out of the blue. And I had a really fun conversation on the phone with the boy, who will be home from training in just over 3 weeks.

Work has been crazy busy, and I've had difficulty being consistently productive. On some days, I'm so distracted and dysfunctional, and on others, I'm focused and driven. Everyone in my department seems to be having similar trouble and consequently we're way behind on our current project. I'm so overwhelmed and stressed out. We will miss our deadline if we don't do something about it, but so far nobody has addressed the problem. We have more work than we can possibly complete in the allotted time frame. This can't go on much longer before the shit hits the fan.

I'm going to the casino by myself tonight. Initially, I planned this night for the pharmacist and I, knowing that he has tomorrow off work. I also planned tomorrow's birthday party for the same reason. I feel strange about my plans for this weekend because I meant for them to involve him, but now we're not speaking to each other.

My friend is letting me have the party at her house so we can play Rockband. The pharmacist and I had designated her house as neutral territory because we both go to parties there. He always comes over for Rockband, and he owns the cowbell that we always play with. (I gotta have more cowbell!) He always brings yo-yos, and we all play with them while we're standing outside during smoke breaks. It'll be weird not having him there this time. It will feel like something is missing.

But at the same time, if he does come, it won't be good. My friend will want to beat him down because of how he treated me, and I won't be able to interact with him unless we talk and he apologizes. I think he's too stubborn to apologize. I'm not even sure if he understands that he hurt me. He's so clueless.

He probably won't show up, and we'll just go on with our drinking and Rockband.

On Saturday, I've got tickets to see Stereolab play in Portland, but by then I will have had a string of late nights and I might be too tired to go. Especially since I'm going by myself. It's hard to get motivated for an hour-long drive each way when you're tired and have no one to keep you company.

I guess I've been feeling lonely in general, even though I've hardly been alone during the last week. I've been out with my friend a lot, and I've been working long hours. But I still have those good memories of the pharmacist holding me at night, and I miss that. Now that I'm talking to the boy on the phone more often, I think about the time I spent with him before he left for training, and I miss that too. I keep getting these little tastes of companionship and then having them snatched away. They're all lessons, and I'm trying to learn as much from them as I can, but honestly, each one leaves me feeling more empty afterwards.

My friend has all kinds of guys popping out of the woodwork right now. Part of me doesn't understand how she can do it, because I have an incredibly hard time getting involved with someone without wanting to focus all my attention on that one person. Another part of me is a bit envious because she has so many options. She can get companionship whenever she wants it. When she wants someone to hold her at night, when she wants sex, when she wants a date to take her out somewhere, all she has to do is pick up the phone and dial the guy of her choice. Of course, it's not the committed long-term companionship that she really wants, but at least she's looking for someone who can give her that eventually.

Sometimes I wish I could go back to not feeling anything. It was so easy to be emotionless and shut everything out. But now that the floodgates are open, I can't close them again. It's still foreign to me, all this emotion, after having been turned off for so long. Maybe that's why everything feels so weird right now -- because I can feel everything, and now I remember what it's like to feel hurt, to feel anger, to feel loneliness.

All I really want is to feel loved. I miss that most of all.