Last night I was sitting on the couch with the boy. We were both in a blah mood, just sitting there, not knowing what to do with our evening. Out of the blue, he started rubbing my feet. It felt so warm and relaxing. I was trying to think of the last time someone rubbed my feet. I can't remember. I think the last time it was him, before he left for training. And before that? I have no idea.
In the middle of that thought, I realized I had disengaged emotionally. All of a sudden, I felt very detached from the situation. I don't know for sure what caused it, but I'm guessing it was me trying to think back to previous boyfriends. That often makes me shut down.
Then I began analyzing...
What's wrong with me? Why can't I enjoy a moment without trying to relate it to the past somehow? Without shutting down?
All I've ever wanted, my whole adult life, is a partner and companion who would accept me for who I am, and love me and care for me unconditionally. Someone I can work with. Someone I can build a life with. After all my failed relationships, after all my searching, I find him sitting here, right in front of me, unexpectedly, and I haven't had to work for this at all - it's so easy! It just works, like it was meant to be.
He's sitting here, and he's rubbing my feet, and he's looking right at me with more warmth and love than I've ever seen in a man's eyes before...
And then I was back in the present, fully absorbed in him, melting.
But my analysis wasn't quite over yet...
How on earth can this be so easy? I've never been with someone who treated me this way, who loved me just for being me, who showed me in so many ways that I'm cared for. What did I do to deserve this?
... What if I don't deserve this?
Then I asked him, "Why are you so good to me? What did I do to deserve this?"
"Why do you have to do something to deserve it?" he said, still looking into my eyes. "You're smart. You're beautiful. You're a good person. You deserve it. You deserve everything."
I melted all over again. I just smiled and shook my head, still in a bit of disbelief that this was actually happening and I wasn't dreaming or hallucinating. "I'm so lucky," I said.
He smiled at me. "I'm lucky," he said.
Then he asked me to turn over, and he gave me a full back massage. I completely relaxed, lost in his strong but gentle touch.
He loves me.
And I am so in love with him.
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Baring of soul in progress.
3 comments:
*covers hand in mouth so she doesn't squeal loudly*
Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!! :D
*poke* Of course you deserve this, you!
I know exactly what you mean about thinking back to previous relationships. Yes, it's really hard to open yourself up again, especially when you've been so unlucky in the past. But dammit, girl -- you love each other. Everything between you is good and RIGHT. And very, very possible; it just took time for you to find each other. :)
I haven't been very lucky in love myself, so I completely understand why the analyzing keeps creeping up on you. But I also admire your courage, in being able to open yourself up again. It's something I don't know if I'll ever be able to do again, so it makes me really happy to know that a friend took a chance, and found someone worth all the past heartache. ^_^ *hugz*
"He loves me."
As my son would say, "well, duh!"
Sometimes he will initiate a trigger without meaning to. It's just what happens. I'm glad that you realized it when it happened.
My dude still has to deal with the ghosts in my past.
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