A Year Is Going To Be Hard

The boy has been gone for just over a week now, and I miss him terribly. We get to talk to each other in some form or another every single day. I realize how lucky I am for that. Even from a distance, he still cheers me up when I'm having a bad day, and makes me feel better when I'm sick. I am so thankful.

I keep thinking about what it's going to be like when he's gone for a whole year. It's going to be so difficult. We won't be able to talk every day. I'm not even sure what type of communication he will be allowed. I won't know where he is or what he's doing for days, weeks, maybe even months at a time. He could be sitting on his ass with nothing to do, or he could be in the middle of combat, in life threatening danger. I won't know either way.

Not knowing really bothers me.

See right now, even though I miss him and I wish he was here, I can still sleep soundly at night because I know he's safe and I know he'll be home soon.

I may have a lot of sleepless nights after he goes to Iraq.

I've been trying hard not to think about it, but I find that when I disengage myself from that line of thought, my emotional defenses kick in, and I actually disengage myself from him entirely. I become all detached about everything. It's weird. Maybe this is the same thing I did to myself when he first came back from training? Is it possible that I've grown so accustomed to protecting myself from people who might hurt me that I've actually learned to fall back on this defense mechanism preemptively in all situations that freak me out, or even ones that I just don't understand?

Man... my brain's a little fucked up.

One thing I'm learning about myself is that in order to feel the good happy emotions, I also need to feel the negative ones too. I need to feel scared and upset and angry. If I try to avoid those feelings, I end up shutting everything else down too. I don't want to avoid my fear and frustration if it means I can't feel love or joy. I have to accept the bad, the good, and everything in between. It's a whole package.

So here's me admitting to myself that, yeah, it fucking freaks me out. I want to hide and cry and pray to the universe for everything to turn out alright. I want to scream and swear and damn our arrogant government for getting us into this mess.

Why?

Because he brings so much love, peace and hope into my life, and I'm so damn grateful for every minute that we're together. I need to feel that. I need to appreciate it for what it's worth, because it means everything to me. And if I need to be freaked out in order for that to happen, then so be it.