Lonely And Trapped

How do Mondays always find me, even when I'm not at work?

I had some really bad dreams this morning, all centered around being alone, feeling abandoned, feeling stuck in a situation I couldn't get out of. After the first one, I woke up, looked at the empty pillow next to me where the boy used to sleep, and cried my eyes out for a good 20 minutes. I even started thinking about what it's going to be like when he goes on active duty for a year, and that made me cry harder.

When I finally got back to sleep, it was more of the same. Grandparents dying, people leaving and going their separate ways, even stuff from way back in my childhood like my mom leaving me alone to go to work full time, and in my dream, me being too small and helpless to make my own way.

I woke at about 10:00am to a text message from the boy. He'd heard that we got more snow. I hadn't even looked out the window yet.

I pulled myself up, still groggy and confused from my dreams, and literally had to shield my eyes from the glaring whiteness outside. More fucking snow. A lot more.

Then the boy called me, and we talked for a few minutes. It was so good to hear his voice. Although he is very bored where he is, and I'm bored here... makes me think we should be bored together in the same place. But we can't be.

When I hung up the phone, I cried again. Fucked up dreams, missing my partner, more snow and ice on the ground, and tomorrow I have to find a way to get to work in this.

I think being couped up alone is really starting to get to me. Today I'm going to attempt to walk out of here. I don't know where I'm gonna go - maybe just down the street to see what the roads look like beyond my hill. If I'm really brave, maybe I'll make it all the way to Wendy's. We'll see.

I just can't sit here any longer. Enough is enough already.

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EDIT:

I made it to Wendy's, ate some hot chili and a baked potato, and witnessed the chaos on the roads. It's been snowing lightly all day, and the plants on my patio look very sad. But at least I got out for a little bit. I feel much better. :)