Unravel

I could not get to sleep last night. I layed awake forever, agitated, restless.

This morning I woke up to an anxiety attack. My alarm/radio seemed so loud, even though the volume is the same every day. It was too early for me to get up and I felt too exhausted to move my body, yet I was so wired that my body was twitchy and fidgety and it felt like my heart rate was up. I was panting like I was out of breath, and I couldn't stop. I clutched Joe's sweater tightly, and I tossed and turned.

It went on for about an hour. When I finally settled down, exhaustion took over, and I couldn't hear the radio anymore, as if someone turned the volume way down. I dropped into heavy sleepiness. Of course by then, it was almost time to get up. I spent the next 40 minutes trying to hold my eyes open and focus on the bright trees outside.

Now I'm up, I'm at work, but I feel anxious and irritable. I don't want to be here. I wish I could go back to my deep sleepiness. I'm so tired.

Anxiety seems to be more common for me these days. I remember about a year ago, I was having anxiety attacks pretty regularly. That all went away when Joe came home from Basic Training. The night he arrived back in town, he came to my place, and we were together from then on. I never had another panic attack. His presence has such a calming effect on me.

I was afraid that I would slump back into depression/anxiety the moment he left for deployment. Much to my own surprise, it didn't happen right away. In fact, I was doing great for about the first 3 months. But by the start of month #4, I was beginning to unravel.

It doesn't help that my work environment is immensely stressful and dissatisfying right now. Wouldn't it be nice if everything didn't happen all at once?

I'm not sure what to do about this. My work is affecting my health. My health is affecting my work. Joe's deployment is affecting everything. And we have a crappy new PTO policy at work, so it's harder for me to call in sick for a mental health day without repercussions.

I wish I could go on permanent vacation.