Stoopid

The shock and awe subsided.

I had a long conversation with my boss -- so long that we both missed lunch. My boss doesn't function as much a direct manager anymore because of our organizational changes. Now that he's stepped back a little, he seems more willing to listen. Not that he was unwilling before, but... I guess it's more than just listening. He actually wanted to understand where I was coming from. By the end of our talk, we hadn't reached any major resolutions but it was nice to catch up, clarify some details, and reach a common understanding. For once, I left his office feeling better. I thanked him for that later in the day.

It was weird to pass by my coworker's empty office on my way out that day. His new desk is in another part of the building. This morning, he was in a meeting in our area with three other people. At the end of the meeting, he left. That was weird too. I haven't really missed his presence yet - it still feels like he's on vacation. I told my boss that it would be 2-3 weeks before I started to feel depressed about it. He invited me to come back and talk again when that happens. Maybe I'll bring a sack lunch that day.

I realized today that our new work environment makes me feel stupid, and I can't pinpoint why that is. I know part of it has to do with my energy level. Being in the group workspace all day is very exhausting to me. When I'm tired, I'm not at the top of my game. But there's something more than that.

I do know that my introversion, learning disability, and ADD (not necessarily in that order) have had far more of an impact on my working life in this new environment than they've ever had before. That's extremely frustrating to me. I have a set of learned behaviors and habits that help me compensate for my issues, and they're mostly useless now. I can't withdraw when I'm overwhelmed, I can't isolate myself from distractions, and I can't think and learn in my own way because I've got to collaborate with another person, my pair partner, and my partner changes throughout the day so I can't even adapt to one person's style. I think that's why I'm so tired all the time - it's really a mental struggle to get through each day. This is where I will miss my coworker the most - he was the only person I'd been able to pair with successfully, without it feeling like a major drain. We had developed a good rhythm when we worked together. I don't have that rhythm with anyone else.

Sometimes I get a mental block. My partner might be moving too fast, or not adequately explaining his reasoning, or we may not be thinking in the same direction. More often than not, I'm just entirely lost. It's not because I don't get it. I can understand perfectly fine when I work alone, and when I work with that one coworker. In those situations, I definitely get it. But when I work with the others, particularly within that noisy common workspace, I just feel stupid.

It reminds me of how I used to feel when I was in college, when the professor would tell us to write a 15-page paper on a 500 page book that we were supposed to read on our own time. No discussion in class. That was an instant C in the class for me. And not because my paper would suck, but because I would never write it. I would never even finish the book. The few times I buckled down and forced my way through a reading assignment (when it was shorter, more interesting, or otherwise less intimidating), I would get all kinds of hand-written comments of bewilderment on my paper. The professor just couldn't understand how I'd missed the point so completely.

It made me feel so stupid. I could get A's on all my assignments and tests, clearly demonstrating my knowledge of the class subject, but if any significant chunk of our grade was based on independent reading, I wouldn't do well. Why couldn't I read and understand that book and write the damn paper? I must be retarded.

I had gone for so many years without feeling that way that I had forgotten how frustrating it can be. I've run into it from time to time at various jobs, but never in such a way that it really kept me from fulfilling my responsibilities.

I suppose it's not really stopping me from fulfilling my responsibilities - obviously I'm still doing my job, and they like me enough that I'm not fired. But still... I'm not as good as I used to be, and that's hard for me to swallow. I'm a perfectionist and I'm competitive, at least with myself if not with others. When I'm not doing my absolute best, it really bothers me.

Something else has been bothering me that's not related to work, although it is affecting my work -- my growing anxiety about my husband.

I've been trying to figure out what triggered the anxiety. I mean, I was fine for the first few months. I was sad that he was gone, and worried for his safety and well being, but that's entirely normal. I wasn't having anxiety attacks or strange dreams, I wasn't totally losing sleep over it, and it wasn't creeping into my brain during the day, at least not like this.

It's the worst when I have a bad dream. I don't get enough sleep, I wake up still thinking about it, and it takes half the day to get my head straight. Sometimes I catch myself thinking of him, and I feel myself choking up with emotion - just out of the blue.

One of my coworkers, who's been super supportive of my relationship with Joe since the beginning, has encouraged me to take days off when I need a break, and use my FMLA time as much as possible. But I don't think he understands how it is. If I called in sick every time I woke up feeling like I couldn't function mentally, I would be gone a lot. If I went home sick in the middle of the day every time I felt like I might break down, I would be gone even more. I would lose my job.

But on the other hand, I'm certainly not doing myself any favors when it comes to attention or energy level. I get distracted by Joe a lot during the day, either directly through random thoughts, or indirectly through lack of sleep.

What I really want is to stop the day and let those thoughts happen naturally. My instinct tells me to go into a private room, shut the door, and feel whatever I need to feel when I think of him. That would be the healthiest way to deal with it. If it makes me sad, then maybe I need to cry. If it freaks me out, then maybe I need to have a little anxiety attack. But I can't do that. I sit in a room with other people and they're expecting me to be part of a team, all day, every day.

It feels like such a struggle. I've never wished for a winning lottery ticket so much in all my life. I'm starting to wonder if I need to get on medication or something. I hate the idea of it, but if I continue losing sleep, having anxiety, and performing so marginally at work... I'm not sure what else to do.

I miss Joey so much, I wish he could just home. I've always been a disaster when it comes to timing -- of course I would go through a major work transition and a major personal transition at the same time! I wouldn't be me if I didn't.

[sigh]

Sometimes I wish I could be someone else.

... a vampire, perhaps ...

[wicked grin]