Strange Week and Weird Dreams

It was Employee Appreciation Week at work. There were group activities, events, prizes, awards, and a whole ton of food. Normally I really enjoy Employee Appreciation Week. Our HR department goes above and beyond to organize it, and they do an amazing job. It's one of the things I really appreciate about my company because I don't know of many companies that do things like this.

I did have fun this year, but at the same time, I was extremely stressed out. It didn't feel right celebrating when my department has so many problems, and when I personally don't want to be at the company anymore. I guess the whole week brought about a lot of mixed feelings. There are still things I love about my company, even though it's difficult to be there every day.

My shoulders and neck have been painfully tight and stiff, I've had a headache every day this week, and a lot of digestive problems. I didn't sleep very much, and was consequently late to work almost every day, which made me more stressed out. I had some really bizarre dreams.

I like to write about the dreams I don't fully understand, or even the ones I do understand if they really strike a nerve. But I've had so many this week, I don't think I can write about them all. Here's a few that I keep thinking about, just because I need to clear them from my head.

I had a dream about Stereolab where I heard them playing, and I followed the sound, and found the members all playing the wrong instruments, except for Tim Gane, who played his guitar and swung his head back and forth just like he always does. They were playing on a tiny outdoor stage in my home town, and nobody was watching them. I looked up at Laetitia Sadier, and she looked back at me with the strangest expression... arrogant, annoyed, frustrated, but somehow sympathetic and friendly. When I woke up I wondered if my radio station had miraculously played a Stereolab song while I was asleep, because I normally don't have music in my dreams unless my alarm is going off. I looked at the playlist online, but there was no Stereolab. Not much of a surprise - I don't think I've ever heard a Stereolab song on the radio, and probably never will. They're not exactly popular, except to ecclectic music nerds, but I love them. I've been listening to nothing but Stereolab since I had this dream. Their music relaxes and energizes me.

I had a dream about MCR where I went to a show but had seats in two different places - one on the side, and one in the middle. I left a bunch of my things in the middle seats while I went and sat on the side. When the show as over, I had to go back and get my stuff, but I had to wait for the crowd to clear out before I could get there. It took so long that the crew had already started converting the venue for the next event. By the time I was ready to leave, the stage had been turned into a hockey rink, and people were already arriving to watch the game. I made my exit out the side door, and saw Gerard with security guards in the alley. For an instant we made eye contact but then we both looked in opposite directions. I turned my back on him and kept walking. Interesting that I had to walk uphill in the rain to leave the area.

I dreamt I bought a big rambler style house with like a dozen doors to the outside that were all unlocked. I would go around to each door and lock it. When I went around a second time, they were unlocked again. People would wander in and sit down on the furniture and just hang out, and they wouldn't leave when I asked them too. The people who were already inside would unlock the doors I had just locked, letting more people in. One of them was a former student employee who worked for me at the university. When he introduced himself in my dream, his name sounded so familiar, but I didn't figure out who he was until after I woke up. Others were random stangers I had never seen before, all male. Feeling like it was impossible to have my own space, I started opening doors I hadn't opened before, looking for a room where I could escape. The rooms behind these doors didn't match up with the rest of the house. One was like a city loft apartment with high ceilings and huge windows. Another was a patio space that opened to a forest. For some reason, none of the doors I went through led to a place where I could stay. I could only observe momentarily and then go back into the house.

On the strangest night of the week, I kept waking up with the frantic feeling that I had overslept and needed to get up right now. I would look out the window expecting it to be light already, but it was still dark. I would go back to sleep and dream that I was trapped and needed to wake up but couldn't. Then I would jolt awake, again thinking I needed to get up, but it was still dark outside. This happened over and over again throughout the night. When it finally was light outside, I couldn't tell if I was awake or still dreaming. It took forever to get ready for work that morning.

Last night, I decided I would stay up until I absolutely couldn't stay awake anymore, with the hope that when I went to bed, I might finally get some restful sleep. I went out with friends after work and got home at about 11:00pm. I watched TV, surfed the web, and ended up playing WoW until about 2:00am. I was literally dozing off at the keyboard when I finally decided to go to bed. I didn't wake up in the middle of the night, and I didn't have weird dreams, but I woke up in the morning feeling totally unrested, with the worst headache I've had all week.

I don't know what's going on with me. I can't seem to catch a break here.

I had planned on cleaning my apartment this weekend, especially my guest room which has been all torn apart with junk everywhere. I have a friend coming to visit in a couple weeks who needs a place to sleep, and I'd like it to be clean besides. But I'm so exhausted today... it's looking like another lazy weekend perpetuated by stress and lack of sleep. I have got to break this cycle somehow.