Feelings, Sensations That You Thought Were Dead

I think I've become a little crazy.

Ok, ok... let's be honest. I've been a little crazy for a long time.

But for some reason, this week in particular, I've seen a certain side of myself come out into the open, the side that is anxious and excited about what could be, but completely bored and careless with what is. It's been a few years since the last time this happened. It causes simultaneous release and worry; release because I don't feel so weighed down by responsibility, but worry because the cost of that release is that I let my responsibilities slide. Especially at work.

When I was in college, I had a couple summers that were like this. The first was after my freshman year, when I went home to live at my mom's house.

I hated living at home. My mom was overbearing, my sister was a tiny screaming toddler, and my step-father, while no longer living in the house because my parents were in the middle of divorce, was still present and difficult to be around.

I made friends with a boy at my summer job, working at Ace Hardware. He was a year older than me and had gone to a different high school. His best friend worked at the grocery store next to Ace, and he would come over for lunch on most days.

The three of us started to hang out after work, and within a few weeks, I was going to the boy's house every day. I just stopped coming home at night. I would leave work, drive to his house, and we would have all sorts of fun drinking, playing games, going to parties, driving all over the island, listening to loud music while jumping on the bed (mostly Blondie and Ozzy Osbourne - weird combination, right?). I would wake up with a hangover, haul my ass off the couch or floor, and go back to work.

Our supervisor, who was a partier herself, could see that were having a good time together, so she started giving us the same days off, which was awesome. We would sleep in late, go out to breakfast, and go swimming all day. One day we went to Whistle Lake up on Fidalgo Island, and the boys jumped off the tall rocks into the water while I floated around the shallows. At night we would swim and sometimes skinny dip in the lake at the city park, making glowing green angle wings in the black phosphorescent water.

It was the best summer I've ever had, still to this day. I had never been as wild and reckless. I did a few things I'm not proud of, but mostly all my memories of that time are positive. I had never defied my mom by staying away from home for so long. She was forced to recognize that I wasn't a child anymore. I had never been that drunk, or for as many days at a time. It's really a miracle that one of us didn't die from alcohol poisoning or from driving drunk. We took so many questionable late night drives on the winding island roads. I had never been so close to two guys without being in a relationship with either one of them. Those boys took good care of me. They were honorable like big brothers, and I loved them both.

I had a huge crush on the one I worked with, and he had a crush on me too. Looking back, I think I was actually in love with him. But I had a boyfriend at college who had also gone home for the summer, and he had an ex-girlfriend that he was still in love with. So we spent all summer hanging out together, hugging, snuggling, flirting, holding hands, but never kissing, and never coming close to having sex.

He always told me that I was meant to do more in my life, that I was meant to be with someone who was smart like I am, graduate from college, and have a successful career and a happy life. For some reason, he didn't see his own future in the same way. At the time, I didn't care about my future. If he had given the word, I would've quit school, broken up with my boyfriend, and stayed on the island with him for the rest of my life. I had so much fun with him. I always wanted to be with him.

But I couldn't be.

It was hard to part with him in the fall. I cried when I drove back to school, but once I was back, I went on with life as usual... or what had been usual before the summer.

He's married now and has a little girl. He lives on the east coast somewhere, and he's in the military. Thankfully, he survived his first tour in Iraq. I still think about him often and hope that he's happy. I wonder if he thinks of me too.

That summer was amazing. I was so free and so happy. It seems like it's been an entire lifetime since I felt like that. When I'm frustrated with the current state of my life, I always think back to that summer and wish I could have it back to live again. I want to stay in that time forever.

Since then, certain events in my life have made me feel the same sense of reckless abandon, most notably the events in the summer that followed. But as I get older, those events are fewer and farther between.

Sometimes it happens when I discover a new passion. Like, when I first bought my bass guitar, I didn't want to do anything but play music all the time. I joined a band and focused all my free energy on playing. I was worthless at work, I didn't care about what I was doing there. I just wanted the day to end so I could play music. Sometimes I would chat with my bandmates while at work, or even write music while at work, instead of actually working. When my bandmates tossed me out of the band, it all came crashing down, and I was forced to return to reality and accept my responsibilities.

Sometimes it happens after I've been in a bad situation for a long time and I finally get out of it. I feel free and I want to reinvent myself and start all over again. Like, when I finally broke up with my college boyfriend. He had abused me, mentally, emotionally, and physically. When he left school for the summer, I went crazy in the best sort of way and spent all my time enjoying life and ignoring my responsibilities and commitments. (This was the second summer of wildness.)

It always happens when I fall in love. It's so exhilarating to share the passion, excitement, and playfulness of a new relationship, that newfound sense of belonging, wanting someone who wants you right back, laughing together, developing those little inside jokes that no one else knows or understands. You're in your own world, and to hell with everyone else. Nothing is more important that this moment, right now.

But I'm not going through any of those things, so why the sudden change in attitude? Why the emergence of this "other" side of me that I haven't seen in so many years? And why, if I feel more carefree, do I also feel a greater sense of dread?

I haven't discovered any new passion. Lately, I'm not even excited enough to play Warcraft, and I'm too anxious to sit still long enough for anything else. I've got the attention span of 5-year-old right now.

I haven't been released from any bad situation. I still carry the weight of all my responsibilities and frustrations, some of which, admittedly, are self-imposed.

I have possibly fallen in love, although not in a way that is healthy for me. I really should know better. If I had half a brain I would back out now while painless extraction is still possible. The fact that I know this is a bad idea for a variety of reasons makes the whole experience feel odd. I'm excited yet withdrawn, even paranoid. I want to let it consume me, but I know I should maintain my distance. Very strange mixed feelings.

Hmm... perhaps I've just answered one of my own questions...

What makes me sad is that no aspect of my life right now will ever lead me back to that summer, or any experience similar to it. As we get older, it seems like it's less likely that those situations just happen on their own. Opportunities must be made on purpose, and they must be firmly rooted in reality or they will fail. I think that's the saddest part of all. What happened to spontaneity and random chance? Does it still exist? Could it still exist for me? What if the best I have to look forward to is the same job for another 3-5 years, or another job just like it? What if that 3-5 years passes by and I'm still alone? What if I'm never again as happy as I was that summer?

These are the thoughts that keep me awake at night, that keep me from getting work done during the day, that keep me from sitting still long enough to focus on any one thing. Nothing seems more important than the answers to these questions. Everything in the present is meaningless if I don't know where I'm going, or if where I'm going isn't where I actually want to go.

Really, everything this week comes back to the figurative whack on the head. That's what awakened my senses and began this cycle of pondering and questioning. I keep asking myself, why this? Why now? But I think I know why. The real question is, will I use this wake-up call as a catalyst for positive change? Or will I let it consume me in an unhealthy and unsafe obsession? Or will I linger somewhere in the middle, having fun with the situation, but doing nothing to address the emotions and the problems it has brought to light?

This is what I must decide.

The challenge is dealing with all the fear and pain built up from the experiences that happened in between those crazy wild times. When I wasn't in good situations, I was in some very bad ones. I've been hurt and damaged and forced into a shell that I now find it difficult to escape from. It protected me when I needed it, but now it is stifling. What if I'm too afraid to live? What if I'm too broken to be whole again? What if no one will love me, or what if they do but I can't accept it?

This is what I must overcome.

As the weather gets warmer, I look out my office window and remember those days. All I want to do is get off work, run and jump into a lake. Be with my best friends who I love, who love me, who understand me. Be crazy. Have fun. Not think about everything else in life. Just live for now.

Is it possible to do that again? If it is, am I brave enough to do it? Can I chase after what I want and not be afraid to fall down?







No squealing, remember that it's all in your head