Unanswered Questions

You split me wide open and now I ache like an exposed nerve.

Why did you tell me? Why was it the right time? The right time for what, and for whom?

Did you think about what it would mean? What it would do to me? How I would feel?

Did you intend to do something about it? Act on it in some way? Or was your plan just to put it out there as a wisp on the breeze and leave me hanging with indefinite uncertainty?

You backed away from it almost as fast as you approached it. You ran, and you hid. Our house became cold and empty. I couldn't stay any longer.

What am I supposed to do now?

There's no one I can talk to about this, you least of all, since you refuse to be present except in the way that's easiest and safest for you. So here I am, once again dumping everything out into the ether.

I am certain you don't realize that this is affecting me so deeply.
I am certain you don't realize that I think about it constantly, every damn day.

I wonder if you think about it too.
I wonder if you're as tortured by it as I am.
I wonder what you want now.
I wonder what you're capable of, and what you're willing to do, if anything.
I wonder if you really meant it. You said you did, repeatedly. I still have my doubts.

I wonder if you told anyone else.
I wonder what they might think, or how they might feel.
Would they be hurt?
Curious?
Indifferent?
Accepting?
Angry?
Mocking?

How long should I hold on this time? The interval gets longer and longer with each cycle, and the wait becomes more unbearable. Just when I decide I'm done, you want my company again, and I always come back.

Running, in full sprint.

Because you asked me to.

Because I want to.

You hang out for a while and then you tip-toe quietly away. I always wonder where you are, what you're doing, if you're ever coming back. I think I know now that you're not really going anywhere, and that you'll always be back eventually, but that doesn't stop me from hurting inside when you leave. It breaks my heart a little more each time, especially now.

Do you already know all this?
Do you care?
Would you fix it if I asked you to?

Oh right... you can't.
You can't even be in our house, so how could you possibly spend the time or energy to fix any of this?

You would fix it by walking away, because that's easier than facing the truth, isn't it?

Except I think maybe you've already tried that. Walking away makes you think about it more, doesn't it? And staying around draws you in and makes you feel things you shouldn't feel. You don't trust yourself. So you tried to pick a middle ground, a comfortable arm's length where we could still communicate, but you wouldn't have to get sucked into anything that's not safe.

Am I anywhere close the truth here?

My deepest wish is for you to sit down, read this, and respond to every question with heartfelt open honestly.

Even more deeply I wish we could talk face to face and just get it all out on the table so we can fully understand each other's points of view. I'm pretty sure we would talk all night.

But I'm safer at a distance, aren't I? You can't hide from me if you're standing right in front of me. Maybe that's why it will never happen.

You can tell yourself all you want that you're not hiding, but you know I don't buy it for a second. Never have, never will.