Distraction

Something is happening to me, and I don't know what to make of it.

In the last several days, I have been agitated, anxious, moody, and I haven't been able to sleep much. I can't stay focused on anything, I'm always distracted. I just realized last night that I haven't been eating. I'm so distracted that I don't notice I'm not eating. How weird is that? It's almost like I'm having a little manic episode.

Except now, I'm so malnourished and sleep deprived that everything has turned into a big slow motion blur. My eyes feel heavy, the skin on my face feels pulled down, my head is in a fog. All I really want to do is sleep it off, for as long as it takes. Days. Maybe weeks.

I can't concentrate on working right now, so here I am, trying to get this off my chest so I can process it and move on with my day.

Why am I going through this right now?

Is this because of the figurative whack to the head I received the other day? The mental and emotional ambush that sent me into a state of simultaneous joy and panic?

Or is it because of my recent revelation, thanks to a friend, that I'm actually tired of being lonely? I never thought I would get to that point. I have thoroughly enjoyed and benefited from my alone time in the last two years, but suddenly it occurs to me that enough is enough already. I just want someone to hold me and be near me.

Maybe it's because I'm unhappy at work. Things have gotten 100% better at my office since my previous boss was fired, but even so, there's nothing about my job that drives me or inspires me. I'm not excited to be here. When I'm ready to die, and I look back at my life, I don't want this job to have been the way I spent the majority of my time in this world. There has to be more to life than this.

Perhaps my family's dysfunction is part of the cause. I find myself wishing my mom wouldn't call me because I just don't want to hear about it anymore. Then I feel guilty for thinking that, because they're the only family I've got and I love them dearly. I just wish I could understand why they always have to be in crisis mode. Why do they need my input on every little thing, and why do they need it urgently, right now? It wears me down.

I'll bet seeing my ex-boyfriend last week has something to do with it. That guy makes me so mad. The words "trust", "integrity", and "empathy" just aren't in his vocabulary. After he gets married this fall, I will only have one more ex-boyfriend who isn't married. All the others have tied the knot, and some are even having children. If the last one gets married before I find my own companion, I think I'm going to crack. He's already got a head start on me... he's been seeing the same girl for almost a year now. That's big news for him - the guy who's afraid of commitment.

I've also started an exercise class, and I've changed to a gluten free diet, so I'm sure my metabolism is going all haywire right now. My goal in the exercise class is to gain core strength and more overall energy. I'm trying very hard not to lose any weight because I'm already too thin, but I actually lost a pound and a half when I weighed in yesterday. It probably doesn't help that I'm not eating, sleeping, or drinking enough water. I'm surprised I haven't gotten a cold or flu, just from being run down.

I sort of feel like binge drinking, except I can't have beer because it contains gluten. :-(

I don't know. I guess I'm in an all-around funk. Maybe all of the events above have contributed in some way, large or small. I'm a jumbled mess of shattered pieces. Somehow I need to pick it all up, put it back together, and keep living.

Otherwise, I'll become a zombie, and Jennicula will be too afraid of my slow moving instinctual penchant for brain consumption to hang out with me anymore.

... ZombieAndrea... must eat brains...